ProfGirl's amazing idea

So, profGirl is one of the blogs that I read regularly...In a blog from a few days ago, she discuss her avoidance of making New Year's resolutions. Instead of resolutions that don't last (and they never do), she picks a theme. I fell in love with this idea instantly. As she describes it, the theme is "sort of like a mantra...a focal point for what I hope to achieve and how I want to live my life." [Side note: I hope it is okay to be quoting her here....go read her blog, she's awesome]. What an amazing idea, a guiding theme around which you focus your life--making decisions and engaging in behaviors that guide you to where you want to be and the person you want to become.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what I want, what I have, and the vast discrepancy between the two. Being on the job market (read: and fearful that my vitae is not going to get me the job I want), has opened my eyes to the professional changes I would like to make. The massive amount of free time I have here have opened my eyes to the personal changes I would like to make. I hope, hope, hope, hope, hope that this year marks a huge change for me--I would love to spend the Spring semester at TBU, the Fall semester at some new, more promising job.

So, inspired by her blog, I am going to come up with a theme. According to profgirl, "I don't choose themes on the spot, but rather tend to realize that I'm already working toward them. They represent whatever has become important to me, and the choice to more consciously follow that path."

So, potential themes for me for the year 2008.

1. ProfGirl's current theme is completion (inspired in part by completing old manuscripts). My life (and my pile of unfinished manuscripts) could benefit from completion. I have a pile of manuscripts (and a weak looking vitae)--this will become increasingly more crucial if I do not get a job this year. I have had considerable fear of sending out manuscripts and I strongly feel that if I don't send some out soon, I will never send them out, never get a better job, die miserably alone and sad. [I might be exaggerating, but I need to make some improvement here] Further, I have several 'around the house' tasks that need completion. Finally, similar to ProfGirl, I need my life to be more complete. I am not sure what she meant by this, but for me, I need a more fulfilled life. I am afraid that I cannot get a more full life in tiny town, but I need to try. Of course getting a new job would dramatically help here, but I have done all I can do--just a waiting game now.

2. Possible theme: health. For me, this would encompass both physical and mental health. For physical health, I would include eating better (more veggies, less junk, more tofu, less meat, etc.), working out more (I feel about 50 pounds overweight, I am winded when I shouldn't be, I need to be more active and heart-healthy), I would also like to be more flexible. I think being more physically healthy and active would make me happy. Mental health, this is a toughy-I am pretty miserable at TBU. I cry. A lot. More than I should. I am finding less enjoyment in things that I used to like. I pull away from friends and family. I am less productive at work. I don't sleep well. I overeat. I am discouraged about who I am and where I am going. I am concerned about what would happen to my mental health if I do not get a job offer. I guess I am feeling somewhat optimistic (I typed would happen not will happen) about one of my job applications panning out. The thought of another year here is unbearable. If I end up staying here, I think I will need to see a therapist-something I almost did last year, but avoided doing. So physical and mental health would be a good guiding theme.

3. Positivity. I guess this would be related to mental health, but this would be a bit distinct. I feel like I need to be more positive, less focused on the negative, more focused on the glass half full. I complain too much. I dwell. I should find more gratefulness in my life.

4. Unnamed. I have been avoiding doing things, letting dishes pile up in the sink, avoiding laundry. I think it is part a depression issue--it makes me feel blah and avoid work. I avoid school work and sending unpleasant emails. I have been too ostrichy and too lazy....can I call this potential theme No lazy ostrich behavior?

Well, I too am going to think about this...I feel like it will come down to option 1 and 2....oddly both hinge so much on whether I get a job and leave this place.....

See, that's summing up in a weird way

• Too tired for a coherent, well organized blog, so its RBOC time.
• Quote I am enjoying now: "Love is right around the corner, waiting to mug me" -- I hate my 30's (a, I believe, now cancelled show on vh1). Don't think that needs much of an explanation.
• Phrase I love: "call a spade, a spade"
• Well, I applied to NDJ, nearly dream job, and this weekend got the letter from them indicating that they got my materials. I had been hoping for a timeline expressed in the letter (i.e., doing phone interview first week in Jan, on campus interviews late Jan, etc.), but no such luck. I almost had a heart attack opening that letter.
• School countdown is in place. I only have a few more classes to teach, a countable number of meeting times--then I can kiss these kids adieu. My advanced students are doing presentations and turning in final project, so the grading begins anew tomorrow.
• My final exams are written. Kudos to me for getting that done so early.
• I am leaving town in about 2 weeks, excited to be returning to hometown city. I have plans to see friends.
• I received a manuscript to review. I have been avoiding it because I fear the authors scooped me. From my initial look at it, my project is a better designed version, but it is so scary. I need to write more, I need to submit articles for publication. I have let another semester go by where I just collect data and haven't attempted to publish. So disappointed with myself.

Random Nighttime Thoughts

• It has almost been a month since my last post. I have had a lot to say, but been so busy and so scared and stressed to blog.
• Update: Mountain Man turned in latest major assignment days late--I am still grading the classes work, but his looks sub par. Of course, Mountain Man has decided he wants to take an advanced course (based on the current course) with me next semester. It is like he is a plant trying to drive me crazy. Also in the class has Snotty McKnowItAll in it. Snotty has told me to my face that she "doesn't get much out of going to class" and can "learn the material better on her own". She has failed to turn in major assignment 2. It is getting so late that technically it is worth 0 (or negative, can I give negative points?). If I am feeling nice, I might still accept it, but she has really screwed herself.
• My office computer crashed. The IT department has it. It is really cramping my style.
• I applied to a few schools--maybe 7-8. Of those, I could be excited about 3-4. One is very exciting--I will call it Nearly Dream Job, NDJ. NDJ is near hometown city, near friends and family, larger than TBU, more research focused, and near a major city. I know friends that have worked there and loved it, the facilities are gorgeous. PFKA told me he spoke with someone there about the job and he said the job could be perfect for me. I am not sure what it means that he 'talked to someone about the job'--I don't know if he was laying the ground for my application or just generally asking about the job.
• The rambler gave a colloquium--it was sooo boring, methodologically unsound and ironic. I cannot get into details, but it would be the equivalent of the Enron guys giving a lecture on Ethics, Exxon talking about environmental issues, Britney lecturing others on parenting. It is part of the "forced fun series" our department has initiated. So now we must 'get to know each other'
• I have a lot more on my mind, but it is getting late and I need to go to bed. I have been pretty sick over the past few days and needs lots more rest.

I have so much on my mind

What do I want to blog about first?

I guess what I am most angry about should go first. I read some blogs frequently, but I am religious about my reading of Rate Your Students. I am climbing an uphill battle with some students and I feel better when I realize I am not alone and that I don't have it as bad as others. That having been said, a recent post has me pretty pissed. This post argues that Junior faculty should just suck it up and be happy where they are and not do their respective schools a disservice by looking for and taking a better job. WTF? Really? That is the most ridiculous statement I have ever heard.

What about fit? When I was on the job market, I couldn't have a conversation with a faculty member or administrator that didn't mention 'fit.' It is arrogant and self-focused to assume that a person could choose a job that is a perfect 'fit' for them after a brief interview (some of mine were less than one full day, all were less than two full days). It is not just the interviewee on his or her best behavior. The faculty strategically pick who should interact with the interviewee, putting their best, brightest, or perhaps least orny faculty members into the limelight. And the students we meet on interviews are always top 5% students, the best, the brightest, the most involved and not necessarily the most representative. Labs are cleaned, offices are straightened, and everyone is polite. Then you arrive on the job and within a year experience this, this, this, and of course my melrose place drama, summed up here. What I bought when I took this job is not what was advertised. I should get the opportunity to evaluate the 'fit' from my end. Hell, I am evaluated by every student that shows up to the day I pass out evaluations in every course. My chair and dean pour over these evals scrutinizing every word to decide how good of a teacher I am overall. That means the worst of my students get equal voice to my most respectful students. Just this week alone, I had a student call me a stupid B!T@H. This student gets an equal voice in evaluations that my chair takes to heart. Further, I am observed in roughly 10 hours of teaching time each semester. Finally, I am on a one year renewable contract. You guys here at TBU evaluate me and decide if I get to keep my job every year. The administration meets with every member of my department individually to discuss my (mainly) pros and (very few, thankfully) cons. So you are doing plenty of evaluation about me--Why don't I get to evaluate you? Why don't I get to make the decision each year if I stay--you get to voice your decision each year about if you want to keep me?

I left hometown city to take this job. I left every friend I have (almost all are within 4 hours of hometown city), I left a thriving social life where I actually got to date and enjoy the company of men, I left my family. I started over new somewhere alone. I think sometimes people forget how hard that is to do when you are alone. I didn't have a husband to help unpack and I spend each Friday and Saturday night alone. TBU is located in the tinniest town in the world (that, of course, is an exaggeration). But it is not an exaggeration to say that I can count on one hand the number of single men in this town (not counting students, because that is against the rules, and because YUCK). I have less than 3 friends in town. You would think with such a small, safe, quiet little town, everyone would have been knocking on my door bringing me vegetables from their garden or pie. How many people have came by to say hello to me in the years I have lived here. Zero. Not one. Not a single neighbor. You get the feeling that it is high school all over again (not high school for me, which I enjoyed because of the dear friends I left to come here--more like high school stereotypes with the cliques and unfriendliness and loneliness--lifetime movie high school). Everyone has friends and there is no need to let the new kids in town play in your sand box. So I have no friends here and no chance at any dating or social life.

So the person who wrote the post in question at RYS said this:

" [I] let loose on some selfishness I saw among a group of junior faculty who were spending a good deal of time congratulating one another on working in tenure track jobs while slaving like mules to get better jobs in more attractive situations - close to Mommy, warmer weather, a place where their own peculiar preciousness will be admired by all."

Kiss my ass! There. You want to 'let loose' on someone like me--go for it, because I have been pushed around enough. Now I get to let loose. If I want to be closer to my family, Ill do it. When my dad went to the hospital last week because he collapsed at work and people thought he was having a heart attack--I was over 25 hours away. There was nothing that I could do. I couldn't help my mom, and I couldn't be there--It was like I wasn't even part of the family. How dare you criticize someone for wanting to support and be close to those they love. My parents are partially responsible for my getting through graduate school and in my family we take care of each other. It is what we do.

I don't want my 'peculiar preciousness to be admired by all', but some fricken' courtesy would be nice. Don't scream at me in front of my department (happened this semester) and don't call me a stupid B!XCH (a student on Monday).

Most 'non-junior' faculty I know are not at the first position they took. How quickly they forget. They went back out on the job market and found a job that worked for them--but I am supposed to stay in a place that I am unhappy both personally and professionally. I am a lot of things, but I am not a masochist and I am not that weak.

Mountain man disappoints again

So, mountain man, you continue to disappoint. After a particularly sucky performance on your first major paper (no understanding of style (despite the multiple lectures and book devoted to this topic that you were assigned to read), grammatically poor writing, unclear, failure to do the necessary components of the paper (that were neatly summarized in a handout for you), you set out to work on the final paper for the semester. I instructed all of the students, you included, to choose a topic that was related to course material (my area of expertise). You have decided to ignore this request despite my warnings that I could not do you as much good as a guide to this paper if I am unfamiliar with the area. To be fair, I cast a very wide net of things that were considered 'my area'.

Mountain man, why do you come to my office with questions ("How can I narrow this down?, Can I discuss this aspect of X component?, Is this a good hypothesis?)--This is an entirely novel area of study for me. After advising as best I could, why do you fail to take my suggestions.

I explain to you that you need to begin reading the articles that you have and you say you are going to find 20 more sources.

I explain that you should outline and summarize what you read as you go, and you insist you read all of the articles and then sit down to write the paper.

I explain that it is difficult to have a hypothesis for this paper if you haven't first read the literature that is out there, you insist as soon as you have figured out your hypothesis, you will sit down and work on literature review.

Are you trying to make my head explode. Just when I thought I had it bad, I found this post on RYS. Enjoy--it sure made me feel better about my difficult students.

Where have I been?

Been busy. Will write more later.

I havent blogged too much about my knitting, but I will soon.

Also, added myself to RAVELRY today...so far I am 47, 314th on the list. I heard once before that they are invting 500-600 people a day...so maybe I will hear from them within 94 days! Sheesh!
One cool thing is that becuase this is new and still in the testing invite stage, I feel kinda cool for getting in early.

Things I will blog about in no particular order:
1. The disappointments of Mountain Man
2. Momma's visit last weekend.
3. The Rambler's latest
4. Job jitters stuff

Dr. Awesome

Update: I cannot read. I am number 47,314 on the list, but there are only 13914 people in line ahead of me. According to their blog a few weeks ago, Oct 1-8, they sent out 4650 invites. So this should mean that I get an invite in about 3 weeks (if they continue at that speed) and a few more weeks maybe 4-6 if they have a few slower weeks. Contrary to the, 94 days (13.5 weeks) I projected earlier.

It is so hot in my office

I am hiding out in my lab space. My lab space here at TBU, is pretty limited---and they have me jumping through so many hoops I haven't had time to unpack the piles of crappily organized research that sit around me organize it the way I would like.

This is one of the few parts of our shabby building that has ac, so here I am. I have a meeting at 6. So I hope to leave campus by 7pm--in and of itself, is pretty crappy because I got here this morning not much after 7.

So, while I am here (after this brief decompression), I will work on teaching statement, research statement, vita, cover letters. I have a few job ads that I want to get out last week ASAP. I am not particularly excited about any of them. They are only exciting in that they are not here. Damn Close to Dream School's (from here on out, DCDM) deadline is late Nov. But at least getting these ads out will force me to be ready for later, greater ads.

On a plus note, after an ass-kickingly hard day, I am ready for rest of week. I have to give Midterm exams Wed and Thurs. Exams are ready--secretary will be copying them tomorrow. Lectures ready (have a lot to cover before exam, so will the students in the back row stop flirting and start listening).

On a super-plus note, my mom is coming to town this weekend. I cannot wait to have her here. Even if it means monster cleaning my place.

As I prepare materials for looming job applications

I love love love postsecret. This was one a few weeks ago, it feels like me.

How I met your mother is awesome.

Barney: When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.

Delurking, Tracking and Being so busy I could cry

I am too busy to blog, too busy to eat, too busy to feel not like I am going insane, too busy to catch up on all I have to do, but I came across this:



on several blogs I read. The idea (If I understand it correctly, that people are to stop hiding and make comments). Well, I have recently commented on two blogs (one actually before delurking day, by coincidence). So now I ask those who lurk around on my blog to say hello.

Over the past two months or so since I started blogging and reading blogs regularly, I felt way less alone--it has provided comfort that I never expected and greatly appreciate.

So, let me know if you have something to say to me....or just say hi.

P.S. Anyone who can tell me a simple way for me to track who comes to my blog (Remember, I am new to blogging--it was a big deal for me to learn how to do this) will be my new blog-hero.

I hate hate hate hate you, Student Academic Center

SAC,
You suck! I realize you are there to help students be successful, but how does screwing me over help in that regard. Several of my students qualify for your services for things, such as extra time or a quiet environment for test taking. I appreciate that fact, and are glad you are there to provide such services. But for Pete's sake, first, I have to ask you to make sure the students complete the test on a scantron (Despite the instructions on the exam which indicate what they should bubble in said scantron). Then for this second test, you send me 8 student exams--one written in pen (scantron won't read that) and 6 scantrons stapled to the test--why stapled? Are you trying to break the exam grading machine and my spirit with one fell swoop. I hate hate hate you.
Best,
Dr. Awesome

I am in Cleveland

So, watching a stupid movie while I pack: View from the top

Donna: So, I've got one year in Cleveland and then I can reapply. Plus, I have already been here for like six weeks and it's not so bad, you know?
Ted: No, I mean that's like, well you are basically half-way there if you're just really, really, really bad at math.
Donna: So, why did you go back to law school?
Ted: Well, I had dinner with this incredible woman who charging after her dreams and not hiding out and I thought to myself, you know what, I could do that. So I am here now-for a year and it's flying by. Plus, I really miss my family which is really uncool so please don't tell anybody I told you.
Donna: Promise. Okay, here's how I look at it. Cleveland is like this really big waiting room so all we have to do is put in our year and someone is going to call our name.
Ted: Cleveland's like this great big dentist office and we are next on the list.
Donna: Exactly.

So I am in Cleveland. I need to be the woman charging after her dreams and some school will call my name. Also, dating Mark Ruffalo wouldn't be a bad way to kill a year.

Want to laugh

Check out the following blog/cartoon/website: http://xkcd.com/

It is cracking me up and it is where I found the following:

People that make me feel good....

So, I just got off the phone with two dear friends. Two men that I absolutely adore. The second is one of my favorite people in the world. I am so happy, I almost forget how little I laugh here. I am so sad, that I rarely laugh. It is nice to talk to a friend, a person who gets me and makes me laugh. We were supposed to be in the same city next weekend, but he can't make it. Which is probably a good idea because typically...us + booze = drunken making out.

Revising my teaching statement

So, in the very limited time that I have had today (Most of Monday is teaching, office hours, and today, meeting with 7 students so far), I have been working on revising my teaching statement. When I was in graduate school, PFKA made me feel as though I couldn't write at all. PFKA heavily edited everything I wrote. While this over-editing helped me improve grammar and stylistically, it took away from my voice. I was so afraid going out on the job market that no one would hire (or even interview me), I let him take a heavy hand to the style and voice of my teaching statement. Well, that time is over. I am a big girl. Today, I am re-writing my teaching statement in my voice, saying mostly the same things (my teaching philosophy isn't vastly different than it was 2 years ago), but in my own voice. I have a spin to it that I think I really like. It needs polish and cutting, clarity and flow, but it is on it's way--and I feel good about that.

My only regret of the day is that I didn't have more time to put into it. Talked to a friend who's teaching style is very respected (she gets off the charts good evals) and shes going to give it a read once its cleaner. Found two quotes I like (that I cannot use in my statement, so I share them here). The first:
"By learning you will teach, by teaching you will learn." - Latin Proverb

I would alter a bit to say: My teaching informs my research and my research informs my teaching. My main reason for not being at a R1 school, is that I wouldn't get tenure with the publication standards, but I also want to do both teaching and research. Here at TBU, I am limited in what research I can accomplish and so I am hoping this years job search will help me find a place where I can be the complete version of me (teacher and researcher).

The second quote:
If a doctor, lawyer, or dentist had 40 people in his office at one time, all of whom had different needs, and some of whom didn't want to be there and were causing trouble, and the doctor, lawyer, or dentist, without assistance, had to treat them all with professional excellence for nine months, then he might have some conception of the classroom teacher's job. ~Donald D. Quinn

Just too funny. And true.

PFKA is actually alive

Heard from PFKA. Responded to email (without doing what was asked). I am a bit frustrated the task I would like PFKA would literally take 5 minutes. It is a matter of attaching a file that PFKA has to me via email. The fact that PFKA has ignored this request for a month is maddening. The fact that a follow-up request was responded to with a "been very busy, hope to get to this request in next few weeks" response could make head explode off body. Finally, PFKAs institution (my alma mater) is hiring and PFKA is search committee chair which means that I will probably never hear from PFKA again. How does this fair for my job search status--not so good.

I am desperately trying to dig myself out of a hole. I had a partially sick, partially pity party two days last week where I accomplished nothing. I though it would allow me to start refreshed this week, but I only feel massively stressed and unmotivated.

Really?

“Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.”
-Demetri Martin

How can some people be so funny and so eloquent while I have students who today said, "I be having trouble remembering and stuff."

Somehow, I think this kid's memory is the least of his problems.

Quotes I am loving right now

My boys:
Maybe they say 110% because life isn't about perfect math. The effort you put into different parts of your life doesn't actually add up to 100%. It fluctuates as you focus on different parts, as you strike a balance which is why I am know going to try and give 453%.

Before you make these big life decisions, consult your soul in a cool quiet hour.

How I met your mother (After Lily and Marshall gets married--she keeps her name):
Lily: Oh.. Does it make you kind of sad that we don't share the same last name?
Marshall: You know, in a totally evolved 21st century kind of way, a little.
Lily: Oh.. you know what we should do? We should come up with a whole new last name.
Marshall: Oh that's easy. Lily and Marshall Skywalker.
Lily: Lily and Marshall Hasselhoff.
Marshall: I got it! You ready? You ready?
Lily: Yeah?
Marshall: Lily and Marshall Awesome. Have you met the Awesomes? Marshall, Lily, their son Totally and their daughter Freakin?(Both giggle)
Lily: I love you Mr Awesome.
Marshall: I love you Mrs Awesome.

Have they changed or have I?

At TBU, advanced class require students to write a introductory paper to kick of the class. I am commenting on students work so far in the course for my most advanced class, and I am struck by something. To write up the summaries, I am taking the summaries I wrote last year, and writing over them. What I seem to notice is that I had these very detailed comments to students about their work so far in the class and their introduction papers last year. This year, I find myself struggling to say anything. So, I ask myself, are my students less interesting this year or am I less interested this year. I find myself a bit scared if I am bored with my students already this year.

Dr. Abstentia strikes again

Another student approached me asking where Dr. Abstentia was--If I could get back all of the time I spent dealing with other people's messes--I'd be a bit more productive.

Monday blues

• Mondays are a long teaching day for me--close to 5 hours of lecture, plus some meetings...
• I am already behind in grading etc and last week got behind in research, the stress is building so I am blogging
• I had to take a blog break--I noticed I posted way to much on Monday. This blog is supposed to help me vent, help me 'talk' about things so I can move past them, etc--not to take up so much time that I create more problems for myself.
• Ah, Mountain Man, you made such a good impression on me. I blogged about how you made me take pause (in a good way) with your witty and almost poetic writing before the semester starts. Why have you failed to turn in two assignments? You went from changing my mind about students and their abilities/efforts to confirming my not-so-great-opinions of you in a matter of 3 weeks. Congrats!
• Spending time with Dr. Maya Alcott--She is also pre-tenure, a few years older than I am. She spends a lot of time hanging out with faculty and promises to invite me to their lunch table in the caf'. I am hoping to be more social this year.
• PFKA is still driving me insane in the membrane. I responded to PFKA's email asking for some work that PFKA had done to be attached to me--still haven't received it. I know this person is busy, but wouldn't wrapping up these projects with me be a good thing to have off the growing to-do list.
• In a few weeks, I head to see bestfriend (who needs pseudonym). This is a very good thing.

Reading a new blog....

Been reading New Kid on the Hallway. I am just loving reading others' blogs. Its so comforting. It makes me feel less alone. My family and friends are all non-academic and they just don't get it. Anyway, watching reruns of one of my favorite shows getting ready for the new season to start. Reading this new blog, I came across this explanation on New Kids blog:

"The truly pathetic thing about feeling overwhelmed by today is that it's probably a pretty average day for someone in an actual 9-to-5 job."

I taught for about 5 hours today, had about 4 hours worth of emails and other bureaucratic nonsense, and I hit the gym for 30 minutes. When I got home, I knit a bit, and tried to do some household chores....not the busiest day in the world, but I am so so so so tired. I am hoping that I gain a little endurance and stamina as the semester progresses.

The movie Joe Dirt is so funny to me.

Kicking Wing: They won't just hand the records over to us. We're just an Indian and some guy.
Joe Dirt: Nuh uh man. You can't have 'no' in your heart. No is not an option, brother. You're not just an Indian, you're 'Kickin' Wing', alright, and one day you are going to be 'Kickin' Wing, Animal Doctor.' Then you should change your name to 'Kickin' Ass.' I would.

I love this movie. I know its stupid. I just think in all its stupidity, it's mildly inspring.

No is not an option.
You can't have no in your heart.

Also, I am so tired that I think I have a fatigue disorder. I can barely accomplish my nighttime tasks (take out trash, dishes, etc.). Almost too tired to knit ( but i am trying).

Qualifiers....

I belong to one of those online thingy (e.g., facebook, bebo, friendster, myspace...). I found this little gem there. Here it is for those who want to know more about me:

Either/or:
1. Lose a lover, or love a loser? love a loser...I have certainly liked a whole bunch, if not loved, a loser and it way beats losing a lover. At least if you are loving a loser you are out there loving.

2. Smoke pot, or drink beer? drink bee--and after the day I had, I intend to.

3. Run two miles straight, or walk eight miles? I'm in bad enough running-shape that I don't think I could run two miles straight. I could swim two miles without stopping (been beefing up my swimming lately), but I couldn't run two miles. So I pick walk eight. But kudos to me, I am heading to the gym after I decompress from lecture. Also, running is bad for your joints....

4. Go to the beach, or have a milkshake? This is too ridiculous. Depends on the beach and the milkshake, I guess.

5. Laugh when nobody else is, or not laugh when everyone else is? Not laugh when everyone else is. I can cover that with some fake laughter, no way out of laughing when everyone is quiet.

6. Drink ten cans of soda at once, or never drink soda again? Drinking 10 sodas at once might make me vomit, but I cannot give up my caffeine fix. That having been said, maybe that's the way to break my caffeine habit....drink until vomit.

7. Have your pants ripped, or get thrown in a trash can? Ripped I guess.

8. Kiss someone you don’t like or, kiss someone who doesn’t like you? Do I know that they don't like me? If so, kiss someone who doesn't like me. If I think they do like me and they don't, then kiss someone I don't like instead.

9. Not take a bath for a week or, take a bath in a lake? bathe in a lake, river, stream, who cares...

10. Be an only child, or have five brothers? have 5 brothers. All I have is kid sister (KS). Always wanted a brother or five.

11. Cry in front of 5,000 strangers, or cry in front of your whole school? cry in front of strangers

12. Be able to rewind time or, see the future? If I go back in time, can I change things or do I have to live them all over. Memory is really how we 'rewind time in a way to not get to do things over again. So if I rewind and make no changes, it is like having a really detailed memory. I would prefer that over seeing the future, but I would prefer even more to go back in time and do some things differently.

14. Die the day after the best day of your life, or live to be ninety? Depends on how old I will be when I have the best day of my life. I don't think I have had it yet (I hope not anyway). So what if the best day (My 6 grandchild is born; I learn the world is free of AIDS, Cancer, violence, etc.; I win the Nobel peace prize; my friends and family all experience wonderful things, etc.) happens when I am 80. That makes for a much different answer than if my best day is tomorrow. If you have ready any past posts, you instantly realize that it would be impossible for my best day to be tomorrow. Also, depends on the quality of life I would have in those 90 years.

15. Go skydiving or, go scuba diving? Haven't done either. Want to do both. Probably want to scuba more. I love the water.

16. Be loved by one person, or have ten people who like you? Always loved. Love by one person is worth far more to me than general acceptance or liking by 10 others.

17. Be fat and pretty or skinny and ugly? I feel now that although I am not fat, I am a bit heavier than I can be to call myself skinny. Also if I am being honest. I am pretty (or at least not ugly). I have great skin, nice teeth, pretty and striking eyes, and no weird facial oddities. If it took getting an 'uglified' face to lose weight, I wouldn't. Lucky me, it just takes watching what I eat and getting my butt to the gym.


So that is me in 17 random either/ors. I am not so good with the either/ors I tend to have lots of qualifiers. I guess that also tells you something about me.

Drowning in a sea of red tape

So, one reason I like academia is I (perhaps, foolishly) thought I would experience less red-tape and bureaucratic nonsense in this world than in the 'real world.' [I love the insinuation that I don't work/live in real world--see RYS for eloquent rants about this issue]. Yet I spent the bulk of my morning adjusting my schedule to conform to University guidelines about how I spend my time in my office and how available I make myself to the students. The rest of my morning (when I wasn't in class) was spent emailing a student who despite our multiple meetings, agreed upon schedule, and tens of emails has proceeded to not make the necessary schedule changes to her schedule. Thus ensuring paperwork nightmares for me. Meanwhile, while in my office hours (expect one students that I asked to come by my office and one of my research assistants), the only visitors I got were the following:

[Open scene]

A professor is busily typing away at a key board. Surrounding her are files of various documents. Occasionally, she stops typing and looks curiously through the packet of papers. It is as if she is trying to figure out what tell a student who has messed up her schedule and refused (despite multiple meetings and emails) to fix it as instructed. A familiar face bounds in the office. Character is wearing a 'Hooters: Delightfully tacky, yet unrefined' t-shirt with no sense of the irony that Hooters gear is neither delightful or appropriate to wear around professors. The student bounds in...

Hooters: What's up?

Professor [trying, hopefully successfully, to hide both her disdain for the interruption and shirt, as well as her confusion as to who this familiar face actually is]: Just working, How are you? [Hoping the answer will provide details to the identity of this familiar face].

Hooters: I was wondering if I could use your printer.

Professor: For what exactly? [Still unsure of identity of Hooters]

Hooters: An statistics assignment that is due. My printer broke. If now is not a good time, I can come back.

[Character note: The professor does not teach statistics.]

Professor [With a strained expression]: You do know that there is a computer lab at the end of the hallway.

Hooters: No, I didn't.

Professor: Well, you need to use that lab, because I am in the middle of something that I needs to get done, so I cannot print out your assignment.

Hooters: Okay, thanks [Bounds out of office].

End scene.

As Hooters left my office, I realized how I knew her. She was the crappy, no-good, left me stranded, had-to-have-meetings-with-her-advisor, didn't hold up her end of the bargain Graduate Assistant I had last Fall. They are required to do 10 hours a week to stay eligible for their stipends. She was falling behind and wasn't completing anything I asked of her. She came to me begging for more work to make up the time lost. I gave her a project that I desperately needed done and it would have given her enough hours. It was perfect--she could do it at home (she has a tough schedule, poor baby) , the time commitment was pretty subjective (so she could fudge a bit on how hard she worked, and it was easy (perhaps a bit boring, but easy). I kept emailing her to ask for updates and to send me what she had accomplished. Finally at the end of the semester, I received all of the materials back. She had accomplished exactly 0% of the project. I was left high and dry (and screwed quite frankly). Did she have to return her stipend, make up those hours, or face any consequence from her department---nope.

Now she wants to borrow my printer and take my time away. Really?

The second visitor I got was a student looking for Dr. Frank Abstentia. This professor (who I have yet to blog about) is perpetually absent (hence his name). Much work of the department is done in his absence. He is wasted space (both literally, in that he has lots of claim to space in building, and figuratively). This student wanted to know where Dr. Abstentia was--like I know, like I care. So to Student Tight Pants, I say: Sorry your advisor sucks.

So to make a long story actually end--why do I need to be more available and more in my office? The students who need to see me, don't. And the time-suckers of the world always drop by. Not to mention that my being here mandates I deal with other people's messes.

Repeat working mantra.

Has anyone coined the phrase, blog-therapy---or perhaps blogapy. Because I always feel like I can let go of an issue once I have written about it here. [Perhaps, since I have been blogging for only a month, always is a misleading term. But you get the idea]

P.P.S. The student who I spent the morning is now on her way here to suck all of the remaining time out of my life.

Honesty and Mocking

Part of me feels bad for Miss South Carolina. She was nervous and caught off guard and flubbed something she had been working hard to get. I was lucky, the messups, mistakes, and flubs of my youth weren't subject to the constant youtube-focused scrutiny that things are today. Young people have it hard. There is no room for error when everything can be instantly posted for the world to see. That having been said, check out the hysterical parody below. That combines a new favorite song of mine, Hey There Delilah with Miss South Carolina's verbal disaster.
Enjoy your Monday morning:

Random Nighttime Thoughts

• I have got to get to bed soon. My first class begins early in the AM.
• Monday's are always a full day--lots of teaching, lots of meetings.
• Watched True Hollywood Story about teachers who sleep with students. Weird, at the end, they were discussing what society needed to do to reduce this problem. One guy was saying colleges and universities need to do more to train education majors about what is or is not appropriate. Really? Are you freakn kidding me? Teachers don't sleep with their 13 or 14 year old students becuase it never occured to them that this was inapporpriate. What a moron. That comment was followed by a much more reasonable suggestion to train teachers on how to recognize the signs of abuse in students and fellow teachers behavior. But, yikes, the world is a weird place.
• Feeling a bit stressed about having to see everyone again after the drama.
• I have got to have a productive week--need to get on top of some research stuffs.
• Really hope I have the motivation to hit the gym after my full day.
• I am behind on my knitting. I scheduled myself to work on a project a bit everyday --or it wont be completed in time to give it its intended recipient and I bet I havent worked on it in 3 weeks.
• Tomrorrow some of my favorite shows are on--which is exciting (If you dont have a social life, favorite tv shows become exciting).

Spending the weekend in my office

I desperately need to get ahead of the game before my classes start. I am aiming (all month long) to start Monday morning prepared for the week's classes. So I am in my office all weekend. I hope that this weekend sacrafice will pave the way for a more productive week.
Also, I have a gym membership and it's high time I used it. So, lots of goals this week.
This is really just a blog so that I procrastinate. Blech.

Debriefing the meeting

So, the rambler and I met a few days ago. I figured that we were going to discuss this. I was expecting to hear a major mea culpa or mea maxima culpa. Something along the lines of "I was out of line," "I shouldn't have talked to you like that" Anything that indicates he accepts responsibility for his behavior and indicates he recognizes how inappropriate it was for him to talk to me that way.

Instead he insists on talking about what things precipitated him writing his mission statement. He wanted to talk about things he disagreed with from over a year ago and where he thought the department should go. Really? You yell at me in front of my boss, my bosses boss, and all of my colleagues and then when you ask to meet with me it's to discuss your views on the department of the future.

He gave (after over an hour of my sitting and listening to him wax philosophical about the future) a nod to 'his overreaction.' He said that as he is the more senior faculty member he should have better controlled the situation.

It was so freak'n weird. First, no human in their right mind would characterize it as an 'overreaction.' Half of the department (including my chair) wanted to have sit down conversations with me about it. A freak out, a hissy fit, an explosion of childhood temper tantrum--any of those are a more accurate description of what happened.

Second, if he convinced me to skip a faculty meeting with him and we got caught and in trouble for skipping the meeting, than it might make sense for him to claim responsibility--as the more senior faculty member he should have known better. Instead, he screamed at me and insulted me. OF COURSE IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBIILTY...you were the one yelling at me. We saw an issue differently and you got personal and verbally attacked me.

I can't believe I didn't even get an apology.

Countdown

The Rambler just came by, we are going to meet in a few minutes.
On a good note, dinner, a movie, and some shopping with 'Punky Brewster' (a friend I have yet to blog about) follows the meeting of doom.

Really?

Today at the caf a student in line ahead of me actually consulted with the person he was talking to on his cellphone about what he should put on his sandwich? Mayo or mustard? Lettuce?

Really?

Melrose Place comes to TBU

So, the Rambler is a faculty member in my department. The Rambler is nice enough, although we never see eye to eye on things. My biggest problem is the Rambler doesn't support me on things yet constantly needs his ego stroked. For example, one of my students threatened another student. The Rambler has had this student in classes before and after I explained all of the drama I was having (counseling sessions with threatened student, discussion with the know-it-all (the threatener was also brilliant about everything all the time, just ask him), meetings with administration to discuss the issue...blah, blah, blah. The Rambler says to me, "I don't know why you have had these run ins with the know-it-all, he's always been great in my classes." WTF? Really? What does a student have to do to fall from grace in your eyes, Rambler? The Rambler implied in that conversation that I was responsible for the know-it-all's bad behavior. There were many other insane things the know-it-all did, such as walk out huffing and puffing during lectures, asking inappropriate (on many levels) questions, etc.

Anyhow, since sometime last semester the Rambler and I have had some disagreements. The Rambler suggested that I don't ask students to be quiet when they are talking during my lecture. Instead, he says, "When they finish what they have to say, they'll stop talking to their neighbors. I couldn't believe he would suggest that I let my students dictate when class begins or ends. So we don't see eye to eye on things. Fine. I don't use him for a model to aspire to, I don't consider him a friend, so no big deal.

A few days ago, the Rambler penned the direction of the department mission statement and was the party responsible for the latest rant . But now he has reached a new low. We (the entire department, plus members of administration) were discussing an issue. The Rambler and I disagreed. He then proceeded to yell at me, really yell, about how I knew nothing about what I was talking about and how I dare I say the things I was saying (my opinions). The specific details are unimportant. His freak out ended with the meeting being adjourned. While the others tried to say the meeting was over, he continued to yell at me over their statements. It was so Melrose Place, I half expected him to throw me into a swimming pool. I joke about it now, but he made me cry, embarrassed me in front of my colleagues and bosses. I meet with the Chair of my department today to discuss this and the Rambler wants to meet with me as well.

Like I needed another reason to join the job search?

Inspired by Profgirrrrl's Blog

So Profgirrrrl got an awesome email from a student and as such wrote on awesome response. I (both in my syllabus and in multiple class announcement) have instructed students in my Monday/Wednesday section of Introduction to Insert-My-True-Field-Here that they cannot attend my Tuesday/Thursday section and vice versa. Well, despite the fact that my syllabus also states that you should email me (not call me), I received a phone call that went like this:

Me (picking up the phone): Dr. Awesome

Student: Um, hello?

Me: Hello

Student: Um, I know you said that we weren't supposed to go to another section, but, like, I had to drop a class, then I had to add a class, my advisor said that I couldn't add that class cause its a bad idea for me, so then I was registering for this other class......

[this continued for a few minutes, I believe the student was trying to explain why the rules (i.e., you can only attend your section) should not apply to him/her because of the aforementioned, yet incomprehensibly explained series of circumstances. This monologue eventually ended with..]

Student: ... so can I attend your Thursday section of the class.

What I wished I said: No.

What I actually said: Just this once....

Damn, I hate being a pushover.

Randomness

• I love coming in early enough to read a few blogs before my day actually starts. It's encouraging and I am beginning to feel like I am not reading blogs and instead am catching up with friends. I am not sure if this is sad or if this is my transition into this weird blogging world.
• Advanced students here send emails before school starts introducing themselves to their new professors. Just read one in particular that was almost eloquent and had a poetic quality minus any real cheese or rhetoric. The type of essay that made me take pause--in a good way. Few students make me take pause in a good way. Very Awesome.
• Minnie Mouse is a soon-up-for-tenure member of my larger department. She and I don't usually have time or coordinated schedules to talk, but we spoke earlier this week. Very enlightening. She made me feel (althought she doesn't know) that it would be okay and in my best interest to go out on job market.
• Did you know that 37% of women have been asked if they are pregnant when they are, in fact, not pregnant (Courtesy of Power of 10 game show). Bizarre.
• More later as I actually have to get ready to go to meetings.

And then there was good news...

Just recieved an invite to review a textbook--and its one I already use. So a little extra money for me (between 100-200) for doing something I have to do anyway--a more careful reading of the book. This is the first time I have got an invite like this so I am enjoying the feeling....

My day so far + Random Thoughts

This morning began with a slew of emails in response to an email I sent out the day before. It's a long story and probably more detail than I want to reveal. Suffice it to say, things here at TBU are just that Tiny and Backwards. The status quo 'We've done it this way for 20 years' isn't a convincing reason to me. Dn't hire new people to 'bring new life to the department' if you don't want that 'new life' to accompany some changes on your part.

The heart of this problems is I am being micro-managed in who I implement a policy that I am in charge of implementing. Further, the policy was designed (and implemented) by the entire department last year and as such, complaints about it now fall on my very deaf ears. And DON'T scold me about implementing the policy as it is designed and as I (as the overseerer) see fit. Also, when you set out a plan that involves me and my students, but fail to tell me about it...don't then blame me for keeping you out of the loop.

I know that this doesn't likely make any sense, but I am so very pissed off.

Finally (really finally, at least about this issue), don't criticize me for being a person who is productive and moves things forward. This is my job, my career, my tenure expectations, my future. Just because all of you with tenure are content to sit on your asses and never challenge yourself (or your students) to be better, to be bigger, to be more doesn't mean that I will sink to your embarrassingly low standards.

I feel like developing a new serenity prayer for those of us in tenure track jobs looking for something more. But I will keep mine secular in nature.

"Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage (and vitae and luck) to find a job where I don't have to change the things,
and the wisdom (and patience and lack of bitterness) to hold out until I can get another job."

Certainly, it lacks a little elegance (or a lot of elegance), but its a work in progress.

PFKA (Person formally known as advisor) is off my Christmas Card list....

So after waiting over a month for some things promised to me by PFKA, PFKA finally gets back to me to say that the project is not worth continuing on. The project represents roughly 2 years of my work in graduate school....and up until this most recent comment PFKA has led me to believe this project is of value. I am so angry. Angry that PFKA made me wait a month after promised, angry that PFKA has washed hands of this project, angry that PFKA didn't give this project the attention earlier to address these problems (half of this data has been presented at conferences, so its frustrating to hear now that it is not a viable project).

I am in desperate need for my vitae to reflect my awesomeness and this is a huge setback. I hope I can get dream job this year and leave my job here at TBU. If not, PFKA will be shouldering some of my angst about being here another year. Either way, PFKA is off the Christmas Card list.

I just really need some encouragement, some support, someone to say that my research is worth doing and worth publishing. My mom (not that she knows anything about my research or publishing) says these sorts of things, but lately I have been avoiding telling her the really bad things that I have been feeling. She worries about me too much, thinks I am depressed. Shes probably right, and telling her my drama or about this recent advisor (former) email will only do one of two things: 1) make her worry or 2) make her give me some 'stiff upper lip/nose to the grindstone' pep talk and I just can't deal with that right now.

I have a 'school-friend' who needs a good code name who is pretty supportive and definitely can relate to advisor drama. I spoke to this friend yesterday and it helped. But I have been avoiding phone calls from other friends (2 non school friends) and sibling for the past few days. I tend to hibernate when stressed. Sometimes things suck so bad that I cant even begin to tell someone about it. To open my mouth about it would mean to lose it completely or get really angry and I almost don't have the energy to feel those feelings. Which leads me to today's quote from one of my favorite all time shows Buffy the Vampire Slayer (don't laugh at me, if you haven't seen it, you cant judge.....)

Buffy: My life happens to, on occasion, suck beyond the telling of it.

It's really part of a much larger comment about how everyone is feeling pain and how people who feel like no one likes them neglect to consider that everyone is feeling badly.....blah blah blah. I should get some message out of that, some sort of "I am not alone" message, but I am content to stay in my crappy mood for now. Well, perhaps not content so much as stubborn. Regardless, I like the quote, I like the phrasing because...right now, in this moment, my life sucks beyond the telling of it. So I am giving myself 20 minutes to come up with some code names for my friends and then school sucks me back in (pun intended).

I had a dream

In this dream I was in a public bathroom. The stall was square shaped and had two entry doors. While I was sitting on the toilet, a small child came in through the other door. I covered myself up and was trying to convince the child to leave, but the child wouldn't. I didn't want to scream at the little kid, so I ended up trying to argue logically about why they needed to leave. It was weird. I have the following interpretations:

School starts soon--my students approach me at inappropriate times and rarely pick up on cues I am throwing out.

the funniest thing is that when the kid finally left, I remember thinking--"I will write about this in my blog"--which suggests to me I am taking too much time reading blogs and not enough working.

That said, I have classes to prepare.....

Countdown till freakout....

Things I am currently freakin out about:
1. I am going on job market this year. I am unhappy at my job. Now, my biggest stressor besides being on the job market and hoping that this isn't discovered by my current employer is that I still need to re-vamp my materials. Even beginning the task of editing them freaks me out.
2. The person formerly known as my Advisor (PFKA) is working towards being 3 weeks late in something that I need to work on a manuscript.

I guess there is more, but those are so freak-out worthy that they are consuming my thoughts.

Nobody likes me,. everybody hates me, guess Ill go eat worms

I have (and will continue) to be very vague and secret decoder ring-y in my blog. I have said so far that I live in Nowheresville, Northeast, United States and I am a pre-tenure professor. My reason for the secret decoder ring is that I am not happy here at Tiny Backwards University (TBU) and it is probably best that no one knows exactly where and who I am. I will say for now that I am definitely not an engineering professor. In my forthcoming rant, I will use engineering as code and will become obvious to all (especially those in engineering) that I am not an engineer and just using it as code.

I just received a memo with all the gumption of a mission statement ala Jerry Maguire. It said in short:

"Our school focuses on 'mechanical and electrical engineers.' Never have any of our students went on to do graduate work in 'civil engineering'. 'Civil engineering' is a small area of 'engineering' and as such we are right to focus most of our students on 'mechanical and electrical engineering'. Our students could never make it as 'civil engineers'. "

Now replace civil engineering with what I do and mechanical and electrical engineering with other areas of my field (which I admit make up a larger percentage of people in my field).

My question is: Manifesto writer (and head of the search committee when I was hired) why did you hire me? Why did you hire a 'civil engineer' if the direction this department is taking is to focus solely (with rare exception) on 'mechanical and electrical engineers.' If my area is so meaningless (to the students here and the direction this department is going), why did you hire me? Why did you tell me how diverse the faculty are here if most of them are really focused on 'mechanical and electrical engineering.' Why not hire another 'mechanical or electrical engineers' and have them teach 'civil engineering' on the side. Why did you tell me how excited you were to be hiring a civil engineer and how much you thought my research could involve the students into civil engineering?

I have never felt more under appreciated or undervalued and there is no doubt in my mind that this will not be the job I stay at.

Why did I start this blog

Saw the movie Shall we dance? this weekend. Here is a quote from the movie:

Beverly Clark: We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."

I think being single now, having moved away from all my friends and family, living in a small small town with little social prospects has me much lonlier than I thought I would be. Days go by where I talk to no one, where no one witnessess my life, and I am--unnoticed. So I started this blog to have a place to say the things...the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things (see vending machine post, which I would also classify as a good thing) in a place where they just might not go unnoticed.

Where have I been

To catch up soon....

In short, my high school reunion took me back home. I will share stories later.

I am currently catching up on emails, blogs, and having more meetings in a day than most people do all week.

In one of my favorite blogs, http://www.profgrrrrl.com/, she says that lately "Everything feels like it both is and is not an emergency." Took the words right out of my mouth. Literally describes the massive anxiety I have had the past few weeks. Its weird to be anxious about things and simulatneously not care that they aren't done.

More to come

The vending machine in my building is smarter than me

So, in the ol days when the vending machine took your money you had to gamble that your tasty new snack would not get stuck in the machinery. This, of course, led to people shaking the machines inorder to get the candy to 'fall'. Those people often died because the machine toppled over on them.

The machine in my building is smarter than me for two reasons:
1. There is some laser-eye on the bottom of the machine such that if the first turn of the coils doesnt produce a drop of candy goodness, the coils will continue to rotate until something falls. Brilliant! (and should cause many less deaths)
2. Becuase of the laser, if you enter a snack number that is empty (on accident you hit b11 instead of b12), the machine will recognize that no snack fell (nifty laser) and after a few attemps at turning the coils, it will ask you to enter a new candy choice--Amazing.

So, heres my quote of the day:

“I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.”
-Mitch Hedberg

Several Things

I haven’t done any work since the last post. Been reading someone's blog and laughing my ass off. I am new to blogging and blogging etiquette, so I don’t know what is appropriate to do….

I will soon have a “Blogs I read” section of this blog, but until then I will say the blog making me laugh today was Fumbling-towards-geekdom. One of my favorite things about this blog is the naming of tags. For instance, the tag, things that make me want to bite someone. I hope to have tags as clever as this one day.

In the spirit of things that make me want to bite someone, I just had a parent and some students stop by my office. Now school doesn’t start for weeks, orientation meetings don’t even start this week or next. Why are students here? Without air conditioning, I am here in tank top and shorts, no makeup, hair in a messy ponytail, trying to motivate myself to work---stay out of my office new students—this is my time.

How I spent my weekend....

Well, I didnt do a bit of work (and I really should have).
I knit--that will be a large part of this blog. What I am knitting and how it is going. I have been really inspired by the knitting blogs out there. Also, I am so far from other knitters that I cannot have a knit group in my sad little town. Right now I am obsessed with this book, 200 Knitted Blocks: Traditional And Contemporary Designs To Mix And Match. I am currently knitting three projects that come from this book.
1). A scarf for me, white, thick, knit in a pattern called Snowflake Lace. It's my first attempt at a lace pattern, but I love this one. The pattern looks like peppermints. Pictures soon I hope.
2). A blanket for a charity I love. I picked a pattern I like from the book, but instead of knitting a square, I am knitting it into a afghan.
3). How the book is designed to be used, I decided on a plan to knit a blanket, so I knit the first sqaure. Finishing (neatly and pretty) is not my best skill, but since the blanket will need lots of squares, I have time to practice.

So, I knit alot this weekend.
I also bought new towels and shower curtain for my bathroom. This doesnt seem like a big deal, but there are no options here in smalltownsville, so I had to drive a good bit to do the shopping.

Now, its 10:15ish and I must must must get some productive work done.
I only have Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday of this week because I leave here to go home on Thursday.

The song I can't stop singing

'I do' by JUDE

I got a letter today
An invitation
And the writing looked like you
Hello how are you and by the way
Please RSVP I do
I thought of writing sad words of how it used to be
But I didn't want to bring you down,
noI guess the bells will ring pretty well there without me
Don't worry 'bout me baby
I'll wear the thorny crown
I will play the clown

If you think that I don't love you, you're just wrong
And that don't matter now anyway
I couldn't bear to see you up there with a white dress on
Here's my vow to you
I'll stay away

I remember when in a lover's whisper you said
No other man would ever share your bed
Well we both know that's not been so
And I wish I'd never let you go now
You found a better man instead
I wish you health and wealth and a white house on a hill and
I hope you raise a family
Little boy and a little girl, a little more joy in this little old world
Well, that'd be enough for me

Time rolls on
And dreams they die
And I've thrown out the pictures I had of you and I
And if you're ever wondering if love can be true
Well, think of me and remember darling like I, like I do
Old friendships fade away, love falls apart
And you've not spent a single day outside my heart
But, there's just one more dream that I have left for you
I hope you're smiling when he turns around and says I do. . .I doI doI doI do

Like Jude wrote the song for me, it says all the things I want to say....

So you know a little bit more about me...

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

Well, I was not named after anyone. My blog was named after a episode of one of my favorite tv shows.

2. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
No, and the more time I spend at a computer, the less I like my handwriting. I almost never write things down, damn computer age.

3. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? nope

4. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Most of the time.

5. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? I hope to, someday.

6. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? To be perfectly honest, Count Chocula. I dont even think they sell it anymore. Shame.

7. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? nope

8. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? I would like to say their character, how they treat those around them, but thats ridiculous. The first thing I notice...eyes, smile, and I like hands.

7. RED OR PINK? Never pink

8. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Ooooh, that's an interesting question and one that deserves more thought, not a quick answer.

9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A Lot? A friend of mine answered this with "sometimes with students." I do, all the time.

10. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? a shade of blue. The exact shade would depend on my mood. Right now, a deep 'cornflower' blue (thats an old crayola reference).

That's all for now.
Now, I return to what I should be doing....organizing my office and getting ready for the fall semester to start.

Is this weird?

I got some mail today. The only thing in my mailbox was a solication from my neighbor across the street to donate to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. Now, I like donating to charity and I think that this charity is a particluarly good place to donate money. My sister, from here on out, Kid Sister (KS), had run a marathon to raise money for this charity. The weird part is to get the solicitation from my neighbor across the street. See, I have never spoken to this neighbor. We have (in the year that I have lived here) have only exchanged the occasional wave when we were both in our driveways at the same time. So my neighbor, who I have never spoken to, who I have never told my last or even first name, mailed me a request to donate to this charity (mailed, not even walked over to my door). Just feels pretty weird. Also, I have seen him walking his cat on a leash in the front yard of his house. Weird.

First Post Test Run

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