Today I will...

write 500 words for Themes Paper

Update: Just realized paper is already 183 words over limit. As more writing still needs to be done, change goal to cut 500 words. Damn, Damn, Damn

Saturday Morning Update: Made Some progress, got frustrated, trying to figure out if I should send paper somwhere with longer limit

clean my kitchen (or buy all new dishes, but cleaning would just be cheaper)

Saturday morning update: halfway done, massive improvement, finish today

organize front room of house
Saturday morning update: halfway done, massive improvement, finish today

pay bills (Thanks tax return)
Done!

post instructions for Introduction to Advanced Sub-Discipline class assignment
Saturday morning update: Done

blog about post-doc

unpack rooms

My so called life thoughts...

I loved this show when it came out--I felt like it spoke to my generation and was an honest depiction of what it was like to be a 15 year old in the mid-90s. So, I offer up a few of the best quotes, cause I am feeling a bit angsty and a bit out of place.

"Sometimes it seems like we're all living in some kind of prison, and the crime is how much we all hate ourselves. It's good to get really dressed up once in a while and admit the truth -- that when you really look closely, people are so strange and so complicated that they're actually beautiful. Possibly even me."

"It just seems like, you agree to have a certain personality or something. For no reason. Just to make things easier for everyone. But when you think about it, I mean, how do you know it's even you? And, I mean, this whole thing with yearbook -- it's like, everybody's in this big hurry to make this book, to supposedly remember what happened. Because if you made a book of what really happened, it'd be a really upsetting book."

"What I, like, dread is when people who know you in completely different ways end up in the same area. You have to develop this, like, combination you on the spot."

"There are so many different ways to be connected to people. There are the people you feel this unspoken connection to, even though there's not even a word for it. There's the people who you've known forever who know you in this way that other people can't because they've seen you change. They've let you change."

My parents keep asking how school was. It's like saying, "How was that drive-by shooting?" You don't care how it *was*, you're lucky to get out alive.

This life has been a test. If this had been an actual life, you would have received instructions on where to go and what to do.

The worst feeling is suddenly realizing that you don't measure up. And that, in the past, when you thought you did, you were a fool.

Sometimes I think if my mother wasn't so good at pretending to be happy she might be better at actually being happy.

Sometimes someone says something really small and it just fits into this empty place in your heart.

People are always saying you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster. Like you know what it is even. But every so often I'll have, like, a moment, where just being myself in my life right where I am is, like, enough.

How ironic can you get without, like, puking?

So, I spent the afternoon lying in bed. Depressed about the post doc not calling. I know that 4 days is not enough time since I put in my application to begin to get anxious. I just couldn't help myself. I needed a pity party for a few hours. In that pity party, I managed to watch 2 episodes of 'My so-called life' which is where I drew the inspiration of the title of this blog.

The irony, in my case, comes from the fact that Minnie Mouse (pre-tenure colleague in my department) announced today that she is going on an interview next week. The job is near her hometown and she has a variety of family issues that make moving closer to home an ideal situation. Our department would be screwed if two of us left at once. I, of course, am not making my decisions based on anything other than what is best for me.

It may be good, in part, because if she doesn't get or take the job, than the department will be less shocked (and less unprepared) if I leave. I also feel less traitorous for seeing what other jobs are out there. If she (who is happy here, likes the job, likes the students, has a family, is all settled, etc) gets a job this year somewhere else, and I do not--the irony will make me puke.

The blinking light on my phone was...

not the amazing post doc opportunity. I am so stressed out. I check my phone (office and cell) and email (personal and school) obsessively. How long should I expect the initial review of applications to take. Applications were due this weekend--so Monday would be the first concievable day they could peruse applications. If they have 15 applications, what day would they call people on? Today is wednesday. If I don't hear from them by the end of Friday, have they found someone else. Don't they remember anxiously wanting to hear from places they had applied. So today my mood (punky moods hasn't caught up to Dane Cook humor) is "Ugh! Just..ugh! With a side of ugh.

The message on my office line was my mom. She has got to stop calling me at work. Not because I don't want to hear from her, becuase I do. Not because my office line is only for office stuff, I don't mind getting personal calls here. But because everytime I see that light blinking I think it is a job prospect. Damn, Damn, Damn.

My long awaited blog about Introduction to Advanced Sub-Discipline class

So, I started this blog post (mentally) because I had a really bad lecture. Some days I am 'on' and everything flows. It is organic and natural, the students enjoy it, the learning is easy. It is a perfect teaching day. Most days it is good (not perfect, but good). Some days I suck. This blog was inspired because one Monday, I sucked. The lecture was forced and awkward. The students looked confused, I felt confused. I should say that Sub-Discipline is my field (what my PHD is in) and that day we were lecturing on my specific area of speciality within sub-discipline. I got a bit freaked out. How could I suck at my speciality within my discipline? Here at TBU, I only get to teach my sub-discipline about once a year. The following class (Wed) went significantly better. I know I need to read more, prepare more, etc. Not massive levels, but I shouldn't 'wing it' (just print out lecture notes the moments before class. If not for the students (which is a first reason), for me because I enjoy the lecture more when I am a bit better briefed before I go in.

Two other issues related to this class:
The student with the second messiest handwriting (they do writing in class, so I can evaluate this fairly well) told me he couldn't read my handwriting. Granted my comments were a bit sloppy, but I had to write the same thing on everyone's page. I was going to explain the abbreviations when the whole class arrived.

Finally, students in the class SUCKED on final exam. Really. It is like they tried to get bad grades. I have used almost all of these items before, they actually discriminated well, so I know they are good items. These students are really ticking me off. I am not going to dumb down this course because these students aren't willing to work. I have this course later today, we are going to talk about their performance and how to study for exams. A come-to-Jesus-class of sorts.