So after waiting over a month for some things promised to me by PFKA, PFKA finally gets back to me to say that the project is not worth continuing on. The project represents roughly 2 years of my work in graduate school....and up until this most recent comment PFKA has led me to believe this project is of value. I am so angry. Angry that PFKA made me wait a month after promised, angry that PFKA has washed hands of this project, angry that PFKA didn't give this project the attention earlier to address these problems (half of this data has been presented at conferences, so its frustrating to hear now that it is not a viable project).
I am in desperate need for my vitae to reflect my awesomeness and this is a huge setback. I hope I can get dream job this year and leave my job here at TBU. If not, PFKA will be shouldering some of my angst about being here another year. Either way, PFKA is off the Christmas Card list.
I just really need some encouragement, some support, someone to say that my research is worth doing and worth publishing. My mom (not that she knows anything about my research or publishing) says these sorts of things, but lately I have been avoiding telling her the really bad things that I have been feeling. She worries about me too much, thinks I am depressed. Shes probably right, and telling her my drama or about this recent advisor (former) email will only do one of two things: 1) make her worry or 2) make her give me some 'stiff upper lip/nose to the grindstone' pep talk and I just can't deal with that right now.
I have a 'school-friend' who needs a good code name who is pretty supportive and definitely can relate to advisor drama. I spoke to this friend yesterday and it helped. But I have been avoiding phone calls from other friends (2 non school friends) and sibling for the past few days. I tend to hibernate when stressed. Sometimes things suck so bad that I cant even begin to tell someone about it. To open my mouth about it would mean to lose it completely or get really angry and I almost don't have the energy to feel those feelings. Which leads me to today's quote from one of my favorite all time shows Buffy the Vampire Slayer (don't laugh at me, if you haven't seen it, you cant judge.....)
Buffy: My life happens to, on occasion, suck beyond the telling of it.
It's really part of a much larger comment about how everyone is feeling pain and how people who feel like no one likes them neglect to consider that everyone is feeling badly.....blah blah blah. I should get some message out of that, some sort of "I am not alone" message, but I am content to stay in my crappy mood for now. Well, perhaps not content so much as stubborn. Regardless, I like the quote, I like the phrasing because...right now, in this moment, my life sucks beyond the telling of it. So I am giving myself 20 minutes to come up with some code names for my friends and then school sucks me back in (pun intended).
I am...
