So much to celebrate!

I am leaving TinyBackwardUniversity!

Early March: So, I recently blogged about a fabulous post doc. A position that was: "great fit for my research interests, at a prestigious university, in a relatively kick-ass location, balance of teaching and research, closer to family, and the supervisor is amazing."

Only a few days after application was due: Then I stressed insanely about why they hadn't called me yet. "I am so stressed out. I check my phone (office and cell) and email (personal and school) obsessively. How long should I expect the initial review of applications to take. Applications were due this weekend--so Monday would be the first conceivable day they could peruse applications. If they have 15 applications, what day would they call people on?"

Second week of March: Then a colleague in my department announced she had an interview for a job she might take: "It may be good, in part, because if she doesn't get or take the job, than the department will be less shocked (and less unprepared) if I leave. I also feel less traitorous for seeing what other jobs are out there. If she (who is happy here, likes the job, likes the students, has a family, is all settled, etc) gets a job this year somewhere else, and I do not--the irony will make me puke."

Mid-March: Got email from Post-Doc saying that the decision will be delayed. Will be in touch by first week of April. I spent 3 weeks trying not to have heart attack.

Second week of April: Still hadn't heard anything. Starting to feel like they had chosen someone else. Went to friends wedding. Had a blast, but checked email every day. So wanted to give my friends (who know my unhappiness here) good news.

Mid-April: Got email apologizing for the delay, indicating I was in top 3 for position. Question:"Was I still interested?" Answer: "Hell yeah!"

A few days later: Phone interview. Fall more in love with that job!

Just over 6 days later: Email indicating they were making me the offer!!!!!

Now: Contracts signed, it's official!

I had to stop blogging about in the past few weeks because I was just too stressed, too worried, and my heart was too invested in it. Blogging would have must got me more excited about it.

So, my final exams are done, graduation for my last set of TBU students is almost here, I have a trip to new city soon to arrange housing, this time next month---Ill have a new address.

I am so happy! I know I am in for a lot of work, but it is just the kick in the butt I need.

Also, this is my 100th post. That is not an accident. I wanted this 100th post to be intentional, deliberate, and meaningful.

Congrats to me!

Today I will...

write 500 words for Themes Paper

Update: Just realized paper is already 183 words over limit. As more writing still needs to be done, change goal to cut 500 words. Damn, Damn, Damn

Saturday Morning Update: Made Some progress, got frustrated, trying to figure out if I should send paper somwhere with longer limit

clean my kitchen (or buy all new dishes, but cleaning would just be cheaper)

Saturday morning update: halfway done, massive improvement, finish today

organize front room of house
Saturday morning update: halfway done, massive improvement, finish today

pay bills (Thanks tax return)
Done!

post instructions for Introduction to Advanced Sub-Discipline class assignment
Saturday morning update: Done

blog about post-doc

unpack rooms

How ironic can you get without, like, puking?

So, I spent the afternoon lying in bed. Depressed about the post doc not calling. I know that 4 days is not enough time since I put in my application to begin to get anxious. I just couldn't help myself. I needed a pity party for a few hours. In that pity party, I managed to watch 2 episodes of 'My so-called life' which is where I drew the inspiration of the title of this blog.

The irony, in my case, comes from the fact that Minnie Mouse (pre-tenure colleague in my department) announced today that she is going on an interview next week. The job is near her hometown and she has a variety of family issues that make moving closer to home an ideal situation. Our department would be screwed if two of us left at once. I, of course, am not making my decisions based on anything other than what is best for me.

It may be good, in part, because if she doesn't get or take the job, than the department will be less shocked (and less unprepared) if I leave. I also feel less traitorous for seeing what other jobs are out there. If she (who is happy here, likes the job, likes the students, has a family, is all settled, etc) gets a job this year somewhere else, and I do not--the irony will make me puke.

The blinking light on my phone was...

not the amazing post doc opportunity. I am so stressed out. I check my phone (office and cell) and email (personal and school) obsessively. How long should I expect the initial review of applications to take. Applications were due this weekend--so Monday would be the first concievable day they could peruse applications. If they have 15 applications, what day would they call people on? Today is wednesday. If I don't hear from them by the end of Friday, have they found someone else. Don't they remember anxiously wanting to hear from places they had applied. So today my mood (punky moods hasn't caught up to Dane Cook humor) is "Ugh! Just..ugh! With a side of ugh.

The message on my office line was my mom. She has got to stop calling me at work. Not because I don't want to hear from her, becuase I do. Not because my office line is only for office stuff, I don't mind getting personal calls here. But because everytime I see that light blinking I think it is a job prospect. Damn, Damn, Damn.

Why can't I write a cover letter?

So, recently received email about fabulous post-doc opportunity. It is a great fit for my research interests, at a prestigious university, in a relatively kick-ass location, balance of teaching and research, closer to family, and the supervisor is amazing. I spoke with him about it at the recent conference I attended. I need to submit my materials tomorrow. Why am I having so much trouble drafting this cover letter? I feel like a stupid idiot loser. I am seriously struggling with this letter. I worked hard today (on lots of school crap). Then I took a few hours when I got home to chill, knit, catch up on some Netflix, clear my mind of the stress, and try not freak. So, now I am supposed to be working on this letter. I really need to send the materials tomorrow and tomorrow is supposed to be a serious writing day (and a stupid faculty meeting day). So I thought I would blog away some stress. All those out there, cross your fingers for me on this. I really need this to work out. Really really.

Update: So, materials sent off tonight. It's almost 1 in the am and I am wide awake. I need this postdoc. I am going to try not to obsess over it this upcoming week.

ProfGirl's amazing idea

So, profGirl is one of the blogs that I read regularly...In a blog from a few days ago, she discuss her avoidance of making New Year's resolutions. Instead of resolutions that don't last (and they never do), she picks a theme. I fell in love with this idea instantly. As she describes it, the theme is "sort of like a mantra...a focal point for what I hope to achieve and how I want to live my life." [Side note: I hope it is okay to be quoting her here....go read her blog, she's awesome]. What an amazing idea, a guiding theme around which you focus your life--making decisions and engaging in behaviors that guide you to where you want to be and the person you want to become.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what I want, what I have, and the vast discrepancy between the two. Being on the job market (read: and fearful that my vitae is not going to get me the job I want), has opened my eyes to the professional changes I would like to make. The massive amount of free time I have here have opened my eyes to the personal changes I would like to make. I hope, hope, hope, hope, hope that this year marks a huge change for me--I would love to spend the Spring semester at TBU, the Fall semester at some new, more promising job.

So, inspired by her blog, I am going to come up with a theme. According to profgirl, "I don't choose themes on the spot, but rather tend to realize that I'm already working toward them. They represent whatever has become important to me, and the choice to more consciously follow that path."

So, potential themes for me for the year 2008.

1. ProfGirl's current theme is completion (inspired in part by completing old manuscripts). My life (and my pile of unfinished manuscripts) could benefit from completion. I have a pile of manuscripts (and a weak looking vitae)--this will become increasingly more crucial if I do not get a job this year. I have had considerable fear of sending out manuscripts and I strongly feel that if I don't send some out soon, I will never send them out, never get a better job, die miserably alone and sad. [I might be exaggerating, but I need to make some improvement here] Further, I have several 'around the house' tasks that need completion. Finally, similar to ProfGirl, I need my life to be more complete. I am not sure what she meant by this, but for me, I need a more fulfilled life. I am afraid that I cannot get a more full life in tiny town, but I need to try. Of course getting a new job would dramatically help here, but I have done all I can do--just a waiting game now.

2. Possible theme: health. For me, this would encompass both physical and mental health. For physical health, I would include eating better (more veggies, less junk, more tofu, less meat, etc.), working out more (I feel about 50 pounds overweight, I am winded when I shouldn't be, I need to be more active and heart-healthy), I would also like to be more flexible. I think being more physically healthy and active would make me happy. Mental health, this is a toughy-I am pretty miserable at TBU. I cry. A lot. More than I should. I am finding less enjoyment in things that I used to like. I pull away from friends and family. I am less productive at work. I don't sleep well. I overeat. I am discouraged about who I am and where I am going. I am concerned about what would happen to my mental health if I do not get a job offer. I guess I am feeling somewhat optimistic (I typed would happen not will happen) about one of my job applications panning out. The thought of another year here is unbearable. If I end up staying here, I think I will need to see a therapist-something I almost did last year, but avoided doing. So physical and mental health would be a good guiding theme.

3. Positivity. I guess this would be related to mental health, but this would be a bit distinct. I feel like I need to be more positive, less focused on the negative, more focused on the glass half full. I complain too much. I dwell. I should find more gratefulness in my life.

4. Unnamed. I have been avoiding doing things, letting dishes pile up in the sink, avoiding laundry. I think it is part a depression issue--it makes me feel blah and avoid work. I avoid school work and sending unpleasant emails. I have been too ostrichy and too lazy....can I call this potential theme No lazy ostrich behavior?

Well, I too am going to think about this...I feel like it will come down to option 1 and 2....oddly both hinge so much on whether I get a job and leave this place.....

See, that's summing up in a weird way

• Too tired for a coherent, well organized blog, so its RBOC time.
• Quote I am enjoying now: "Love is right around the corner, waiting to mug me" -- I hate my 30's (a, I believe, now cancelled show on vh1). Don't think that needs much of an explanation.
• Phrase I love: "call a spade, a spade"
• Well, I applied to NDJ, nearly dream job, and this weekend got the letter from them indicating that they got my materials. I had been hoping for a timeline expressed in the letter (i.e., doing phone interview first week in Jan, on campus interviews late Jan, etc.), but no such luck. I almost had a heart attack opening that letter.
• School countdown is in place. I only have a few more classes to teach, a countable number of meeting times--then I can kiss these kids adieu. My advanced students are doing presentations and turning in final project, so the grading begins anew tomorrow.
• My final exams are written. Kudos to me for getting that done so early.
• I am leaving town in about 2 weeks, excited to be returning to hometown city. I have plans to see friends.
• I received a manuscript to review. I have been avoiding it because I fear the authors scooped me. From my initial look at it, my project is a better designed version, but it is so scary. I need to write more, I need to submit articles for publication. I have let another semester go by where I just collect data and haven't attempted to publish. So disappointed with myself.

Random Nighttime Thoughts

• It has almost been a month since my last post. I have had a lot to say, but been so busy and so scared and stressed to blog.
• Update: Mountain Man turned in latest major assignment days late--I am still grading the classes work, but his looks sub par. Of course, Mountain Man has decided he wants to take an advanced course (based on the current course) with me next semester. It is like he is a plant trying to drive me crazy. Also in the class has Snotty McKnowItAll in it. Snotty has told me to my face that she "doesn't get much out of going to class" and can "learn the material better on her own". She has failed to turn in major assignment 2. It is getting so late that technically it is worth 0 (or negative, can I give negative points?). If I am feeling nice, I might still accept it, but she has really screwed herself.
• My office computer crashed. The IT department has it. It is really cramping my style.
• I applied to a few schools--maybe 7-8. Of those, I could be excited about 3-4. One is very exciting--I will call it Nearly Dream Job, NDJ. NDJ is near hometown city, near friends and family, larger than TBU, more research focused, and near a major city. I know friends that have worked there and loved it, the facilities are gorgeous. PFKA told me he spoke with someone there about the job and he said the job could be perfect for me. I am not sure what it means that he 'talked to someone about the job'--I don't know if he was laying the ground for my application or just generally asking about the job.
• The rambler gave a colloquium--it was sooo boring, methodologically unsound and ironic. I cannot get into details, but it would be the equivalent of the Enron guys giving a lecture on Ethics, Exxon talking about environmental issues, Britney lecturing others on parenting. It is part of the "forced fun series" our department has initiated. So now we must 'get to know each other'
• I have a lot more on my mind, but it is getting late and I need to go to bed. I have been pretty sick over the past few days and needs lots more rest.

I have so much on my mind

What do I want to blog about first?

I guess what I am most angry about should go first. I read some blogs frequently, but I am religious about my reading of Rate Your Students. I am climbing an uphill battle with some students and I feel better when I realize I am not alone and that I don't have it as bad as others. That having been said, a recent post has me pretty pissed. This post argues that Junior faculty should just suck it up and be happy where they are and not do their respective schools a disservice by looking for and taking a better job. WTF? Really? That is the most ridiculous statement I have ever heard.

What about fit? When I was on the job market, I couldn't have a conversation with a faculty member or administrator that didn't mention 'fit.' It is arrogant and self-focused to assume that a person could choose a job that is a perfect 'fit' for them after a brief interview (some of mine were less than one full day, all were less than two full days). It is not just the interviewee on his or her best behavior. The faculty strategically pick who should interact with the interviewee, putting their best, brightest, or perhaps least orny faculty members into the limelight. And the students we meet on interviews are always top 5% students, the best, the brightest, the most involved and not necessarily the most representative. Labs are cleaned, offices are straightened, and everyone is polite. Then you arrive on the job and within a year experience this, this, this, and of course my melrose place drama, summed up here. What I bought when I took this job is not what was advertised. I should get the opportunity to evaluate the 'fit' from my end. Hell, I am evaluated by every student that shows up to the day I pass out evaluations in every course. My chair and dean pour over these evals scrutinizing every word to decide how good of a teacher I am overall. That means the worst of my students get equal voice to my most respectful students. Just this week alone, I had a student call me a stupid B!T@H. This student gets an equal voice in evaluations that my chair takes to heart. Further, I am observed in roughly 10 hours of teaching time each semester. Finally, I am on a one year renewable contract. You guys here at TBU evaluate me and decide if I get to keep my job every year. The administration meets with every member of my department individually to discuss my (mainly) pros and (very few, thankfully) cons. So you are doing plenty of evaluation about me--Why don't I get to evaluate you? Why don't I get to make the decision each year if I stay--you get to voice your decision each year about if you want to keep me?

I left hometown city to take this job. I left every friend I have (almost all are within 4 hours of hometown city), I left a thriving social life where I actually got to date and enjoy the company of men, I left my family. I started over new somewhere alone. I think sometimes people forget how hard that is to do when you are alone. I didn't have a husband to help unpack and I spend each Friday and Saturday night alone. TBU is located in the tinniest town in the world (that, of course, is an exaggeration). But it is not an exaggeration to say that I can count on one hand the number of single men in this town (not counting students, because that is against the rules, and because YUCK). I have less than 3 friends in town. You would think with such a small, safe, quiet little town, everyone would have been knocking on my door bringing me vegetables from their garden or pie. How many people have came by to say hello to me in the years I have lived here. Zero. Not one. Not a single neighbor. You get the feeling that it is high school all over again (not high school for me, which I enjoyed because of the dear friends I left to come here--more like high school stereotypes with the cliques and unfriendliness and loneliness--lifetime movie high school). Everyone has friends and there is no need to let the new kids in town play in your sand box. So I have no friends here and no chance at any dating or social life.

So the person who wrote the post in question at RYS said this:

" [I] let loose on some selfishness I saw among a group of junior faculty who were spending a good deal of time congratulating one another on working in tenure track jobs while slaving like mules to get better jobs in more attractive situations - close to Mommy, warmer weather, a place where their own peculiar preciousness will be admired by all."

Kiss my ass! There. You want to 'let loose' on someone like me--go for it, because I have been pushed around enough. Now I get to let loose. If I want to be closer to my family, Ill do it. When my dad went to the hospital last week because he collapsed at work and people thought he was having a heart attack--I was over 25 hours away. There was nothing that I could do. I couldn't help my mom, and I couldn't be there--It was like I wasn't even part of the family. How dare you criticize someone for wanting to support and be close to those they love. My parents are partially responsible for my getting through graduate school and in my family we take care of each other. It is what we do.

I don't want my 'peculiar preciousness to be admired by all', but some fricken' courtesy would be nice. Don't scream at me in front of my department (happened this semester) and don't call me a stupid B!XCH (a student on Monday).

Most 'non-junior' faculty I know are not at the first position they took. How quickly they forget. They went back out on the job market and found a job that worked for them--but I am supposed to stay in a place that I am unhappy both personally and professionally. I am a lot of things, but I am not a masochist and I am not that weak.

It is so hot in my office

I am hiding out in my lab space. My lab space here at TBU, is pretty limited---and they have me jumping through so many hoops I haven't had time to unpack the piles of crappily organized research that sit around me organize it the way I would like.

This is one of the few parts of our shabby building that has ac, so here I am. I have a meeting at 6. So I hope to leave campus by 7pm--in and of itself, is pretty crappy because I got here this morning not much after 7.

So, while I am here (after this brief decompression), I will work on teaching statement, research statement, vita, cover letters. I have a few job ads that I want to get out last week ASAP. I am not particularly excited about any of them. They are only exciting in that they are not here. Damn Close to Dream School's (from here on out, DCDM) deadline is late Nov. But at least getting these ads out will force me to be ready for later, greater ads.

On a plus note, after an ass-kickingly hard day, I am ready for rest of week. I have to give Midterm exams Wed and Thurs. Exams are ready--secretary will be copying them tomorrow. Lectures ready (have a lot to cover before exam, so will the students in the back row stop flirting and start listening).

On a super-plus note, my mom is coming to town this weekend. I cannot wait to have her here. Even if it means monster cleaning my place.

As I prepare materials for looming job applications

I love love love postsecret. This was one a few weeks ago, it feels like me.

I am in Cleveland

So, watching a stupid movie while I pack: View from the top

Donna: So, I've got one year in Cleveland and then I can reapply. Plus, I have already been here for like six weeks and it's not so bad, you know?
Ted: No, I mean that's like, well you are basically half-way there if you're just really, really, really bad at math.
Donna: So, why did you go back to law school?
Ted: Well, I had dinner with this incredible woman who charging after her dreams and not hiding out and I thought to myself, you know what, I could do that. So I am here now-for a year and it's flying by. Plus, I really miss my family which is really uncool so please don't tell anybody I told you.
Donna: Promise. Okay, here's how I look at it. Cleveland is like this really big waiting room so all we have to do is put in our year and someone is going to call our name.
Ted: Cleveland's like this great big dentist office and we are next on the list.
Donna: Exactly.

So I am in Cleveland. I need to be the woman charging after her dreams and some school will call my name. Also, dating Mark Ruffalo wouldn't be a bad way to kill a year.

Revising my teaching statement

So, in the very limited time that I have had today (Most of Monday is teaching, office hours, and today, meeting with 7 students so far), I have been working on revising my teaching statement. When I was in graduate school, PFKA made me feel as though I couldn't write at all. PFKA heavily edited everything I wrote. While this over-editing helped me improve grammar and stylistically, it took away from my voice. I was so afraid going out on the job market that no one would hire (or even interview me), I let him take a heavy hand to the style and voice of my teaching statement. Well, that time is over. I am a big girl. Today, I am re-writing my teaching statement in my voice, saying mostly the same things (my teaching philosophy isn't vastly different than it was 2 years ago), but in my own voice. I have a spin to it that I think I really like. It needs polish and cutting, clarity and flow, but it is on it's way--and I feel good about that.

My only regret of the day is that I didn't have more time to put into it. Talked to a friend who's teaching style is very respected (she gets off the charts good evals) and shes going to give it a read once its cleaner. Found two quotes I like (that I cannot use in my statement, so I share them here). The first:
"By learning you will teach, by teaching you will learn." - Latin Proverb

I would alter a bit to say: My teaching informs my research and my research informs my teaching. My main reason for not being at a R1 school, is that I wouldn't get tenure with the publication standards, but I also want to do both teaching and research. Here at TBU, I am limited in what research I can accomplish and so I am hoping this years job search will help me find a place where I can be the complete version of me (teacher and researcher).

The second quote:
If a doctor, lawyer, or dentist had 40 people in his office at one time, all of whom had different needs, and some of whom didn't want to be there and were causing trouble, and the doctor, lawyer, or dentist, without assistance, had to treat them all with professional excellence for nine months, then he might have some conception of the classroom teacher's job. ~Donald D. Quinn

Just too funny. And true.

Drowning in a sea of red tape

So, one reason I like academia is I (perhaps, foolishly) thought I would experience less red-tape and bureaucratic nonsense in this world than in the 'real world.' [I love the insinuation that I don't work/live in real world--see RYS for eloquent rants about this issue]. Yet I spent the bulk of my morning adjusting my schedule to conform to University guidelines about how I spend my time in my office and how available I make myself to the students. The rest of my morning (when I wasn't in class) was spent emailing a student who despite our multiple meetings, agreed upon schedule, and tens of emails has proceeded to not make the necessary schedule changes to her schedule. Thus ensuring paperwork nightmares for me. Meanwhile, while in my office hours (expect one students that I asked to come by my office and one of my research assistants), the only visitors I got were the following:

[Open scene]

A professor is busily typing away at a key board. Surrounding her are files of various documents. Occasionally, she stops typing and looks curiously through the packet of papers. It is as if she is trying to figure out what tell a student who has messed up her schedule and refused (despite multiple meetings and emails) to fix it as instructed. A familiar face bounds in the office. Character is wearing a 'Hooters: Delightfully tacky, yet unrefined' t-shirt with no sense of the irony that Hooters gear is neither delightful or appropriate to wear around professors. The student bounds in...

Hooters: What's up?

Professor [trying, hopefully successfully, to hide both her disdain for the interruption and shirt, as well as her confusion as to who this familiar face actually is]: Just working, How are you? [Hoping the answer will provide details to the identity of this familiar face].

Hooters: I was wondering if I could use your printer.

Professor: For what exactly? [Still unsure of identity of Hooters]

Hooters: An statistics assignment that is due. My printer broke. If now is not a good time, I can come back.

[Character note: The professor does not teach statistics.]

Professor [With a strained expression]: You do know that there is a computer lab at the end of the hallway.

Hooters: No, I didn't.

Professor: Well, you need to use that lab, because I am in the middle of something that I needs to get done, so I cannot print out your assignment.

Hooters: Okay, thanks [Bounds out of office].

End scene.

As Hooters left my office, I realized how I knew her. She was the crappy, no-good, left me stranded, had-to-have-meetings-with-her-advisor, didn't hold up her end of the bargain Graduate Assistant I had last Fall. They are required to do 10 hours a week to stay eligible for their stipends. She was falling behind and wasn't completing anything I asked of her. She came to me begging for more work to make up the time lost. I gave her a project that I desperately needed done and it would have given her enough hours. It was perfect--she could do it at home (she has a tough schedule, poor baby) , the time commitment was pretty subjective (so she could fudge a bit on how hard she worked, and it was easy (perhaps a bit boring, but easy). I kept emailing her to ask for updates and to send me what she had accomplished. Finally at the end of the semester, I received all of the materials back. She had accomplished exactly 0% of the project. I was left high and dry (and screwed quite frankly). Did she have to return her stipend, make up those hours, or face any consequence from her department---nope.

Now she wants to borrow my printer and take my time away. Really?

The second visitor I got was a student looking for Dr. Frank Abstentia. This professor (who I have yet to blog about) is perpetually absent (hence his name). Much work of the department is done in his absence. He is wasted space (both literally, in that he has lots of claim to space in building, and figuratively). This student wanted to know where Dr. Abstentia was--like I know, like I care. So to Student Tight Pants, I say: Sorry your advisor sucks.

So to make a long story actually end--why do I need to be more available and more in my office? The students who need to see me, don't. And the time-suckers of the world always drop by. Not to mention that my being here mandates I deal with other people's messes.

Repeat working mantra.

Has anyone coined the phrase, blog-therapy---or perhaps blogapy. Because I always feel like I can let go of an issue once I have written about it here. [Perhaps, since I have been blogging for only a month, always is a misleading term. But you get the idea]

P.P.S. The student who I spent the morning is now on her way here to suck all of the remaining time out of my life.

Debriefing the meeting

So, the rambler and I met a few days ago. I figured that we were going to discuss this. I was expecting to hear a major mea culpa or mea maxima culpa. Something along the lines of "I was out of line," "I shouldn't have talked to you like that" Anything that indicates he accepts responsibility for his behavior and indicates he recognizes how inappropriate it was for him to talk to me that way.

Instead he insists on talking about what things precipitated him writing his mission statement. He wanted to talk about things he disagreed with from over a year ago and where he thought the department should go. Really? You yell at me in front of my boss, my bosses boss, and all of my colleagues and then when you ask to meet with me it's to discuss your views on the department of the future.

He gave (after over an hour of my sitting and listening to him wax philosophical about the future) a nod to 'his overreaction.' He said that as he is the more senior faculty member he should have better controlled the situation.

It was so freak'n weird. First, no human in their right mind would characterize it as an 'overreaction.' Half of the department (including my chair) wanted to have sit down conversations with me about it. A freak out, a hissy fit, an explosion of childhood temper tantrum--any of those are a more accurate description of what happened.

Second, if he convinced me to skip a faculty meeting with him and we got caught and in trouble for skipping the meeting, than it might make sense for him to claim responsibility--as the more senior faculty member he should have known better. Instead, he screamed at me and insulted me. OF COURSE IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBIILTY...you were the one yelling at me. We saw an issue differently and you got personal and verbally attacked me.

I can't believe I didn't even get an apology.

Melrose Place comes to TBU

So, the Rambler is a faculty member in my department. The Rambler is nice enough, although we never see eye to eye on things. My biggest problem is the Rambler doesn't support me on things yet constantly needs his ego stroked. For example, one of my students threatened another student. The Rambler has had this student in classes before and after I explained all of the drama I was having (counseling sessions with threatened student, discussion with the know-it-all (the threatener was also brilliant about everything all the time, just ask him), meetings with administration to discuss the issue...blah, blah, blah. The Rambler says to me, "I don't know why you have had these run ins with the know-it-all, he's always been great in my classes." WTF? Really? What does a student have to do to fall from grace in your eyes, Rambler? The Rambler implied in that conversation that I was responsible for the know-it-all's bad behavior. There were many other insane things the know-it-all did, such as walk out huffing and puffing during lectures, asking inappropriate (on many levels) questions, etc.

Anyhow, since sometime last semester the Rambler and I have had some disagreements. The Rambler suggested that I don't ask students to be quiet when they are talking during my lecture. Instead, he says, "When they finish what they have to say, they'll stop talking to their neighbors. I couldn't believe he would suggest that I let my students dictate when class begins or ends. So we don't see eye to eye on things. Fine. I don't use him for a model to aspire to, I don't consider him a friend, so no big deal.

A few days ago, the Rambler penned the direction of the department mission statement and was the party responsible for the latest rant . But now he has reached a new low. We (the entire department, plus members of administration) were discussing an issue. The Rambler and I disagreed. He then proceeded to yell at me, really yell, about how I knew nothing about what I was talking about and how I dare I say the things I was saying (my opinions). The specific details are unimportant. His freak out ended with the meeting being adjourned. While the others tried to say the meeting was over, he continued to yell at me over their statements. It was so Melrose Place, I half expected him to throw me into a swimming pool. I joke about it now, but he made me cry, embarrassed me in front of my colleagues and bosses. I meet with the Chair of my department today to discuss this and the Rambler wants to meet with me as well.

Like I needed another reason to join the job search?

My day so far + Random Thoughts

This morning began with a slew of emails in response to an email I sent out the day before. It's a long story and probably more detail than I want to reveal. Suffice it to say, things here at TBU are just that Tiny and Backwards. The status quo 'We've done it this way for 20 years' isn't a convincing reason to me. Dn't hire new people to 'bring new life to the department' if you don't want that 'new life' to accompany some changes on your part.

The heart of this problems is I am being micro-managed in who I implement a policy that I am in charge of implementing. Further, the policy was designed (and implemented) by the entire department last year and as such, complaints about it now fall on my very deaf ears. And DON'T scold me about implementing the policy as it is designed and as I (as the overseerer) see fit. Also, when you set out a plan that involves me and my students, but fail to tell me about it...don't then blame me for keeping you out of the loop.

I know that this doesn't likely make any sense, but I am so very pissed off.

Finally (really finally, at least about this issue), don't criticize me for being a person who is productive and moves things forward. This is my job, my career, my tenure expectations, my future. Just because all of you with tenure are content to sit on your asses and never challenge yourself (or your students) to be better, to be bigger, to be more doesn't mean that I will sink to your embarrassingly low standards.

I feel like developing a new serenity prayer for those of us in tenure track jobs looking for something more. But I will keep mine secular in nature.

"Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage (and vitae and luck) to find a job where I don't have to change the things,
and the wisdom (and patience and lack of bitterness) to hold out until I can get another job."

Certainly, it lacks a little elegance (or a lot of elegance), but its a work in progress.

PFKA (Person formally known as advisor) is off my Christmas Card list....

So after waiting over a month for some things promised to me by PFKA, PFKA finally gets back to me to say that the project is not worth continuing on. The project represents roughly 2 years of my work in graduate school....and up until this most recent comment PFKA has led me to believe this project is of value. I am so angry. Angry that PFKA made me wait a month after promised, angry that PFKA has washed hands of this project, angry that PFKA didn't give this project the attention earlier to address these problems (half of this data has been presented at conferences, so its frustrating to hear now that it is not a viable project).

I am in desperate need for my vitae to reflect my awesomeness and this is a huge setback. I hope I can get dream job this year and leave my job here at TBU. If not, PFKA will be shouldering some of my angst about being here another year. Either way, PFKA is off the Christmas Card list.

I just really need some encouragement, some support, someone to say that my research is worth doing and worth publishing. My mom (not that she knows anything about my research or publishing) says these sorts of things, but lately I have been avoiding telling her the really bad things that I have been feeling. She worries about me too much, thinks I am depressed. Shes probably right, and telling her my drama or about this recent advisor (former) email will only do one of two things: 1) make her worry or 2) make her give me some 'stiff upper lip/nose to the grindstone' pep talk and I just can't deal with that right now.

I have a 'school-friend' who needs a good code name who is pretty supportive and definitely can relate to advisor drama. I spoke to this friend yesterday and it helped. But I have been avoiding phone calls from other friends (2 non school friends) and sibling for the past few days. I tend to hibernate when stressed. Sometimes things suck so bad that I cant even begin to tell someone about it. To open my mouth about it would mean to lose it completely or get really angry and I almost don't have the energy to feel those feelings. Which leads me to today's quote from one of my favorite all time shows Buffy the Vampire Slayer (don't laugh at me, if you haven't seen it, you cant judge.....)

Buffy: My life happens to, on occasion, suck beyond the telling of it.

It's really part of a much larger comment about how everyone is feeling pain and how people who feel like no one likes them neglect to consider that everyone is feeling badly.....blah blah blah. I should get some message out of that, some sort of "I am not alone" message, but I am content to stay in my crappy mood for now. Well, perhaps not content so much as stubborn. Regardless, I like the quote, I like the phrasing because...right now, in this moment, my life sucks beyond the telling of it. So I am giving myself 20 minutes to come up with some code names for my friends and then school sucks me back in (pun intended).

Countdown till freakout....

Things I am currently freakin out about:
1. I am going on job market this year. I am unhappy at my job. Now, my biggest stressor besides being on the job market and hoping that this isn't discovered by my current employer is that I still need to re-vamp my materials. Even beginning the task of editing them freaks me out.
2. The person formerly known as my Advisor (PFKA) is working towards being 3 weeks late in something that I need to work on a manuscript.

I guess there is more, but those are so freak-out worthy that they are consuming my thoughts.

Nobody likes me,. everybody hates me, guess Ill go eat worms

I have (and will continue) to be very vague and secret decoder ring-y in my blog. I have said so far that I live in Nowheresville, Northeast, United States and I am a pre-tenure professor. My reason for the secret decoder ring is that I am not happy here at Tiny Backwards University (TBU) and it is probably best that no one knows exactly where and who I am. I will say for now that I am definitely not an engineering professor. In my forthcoming rant, I will use engineering as code and will become obvious to all (especially those in engineering) that I am not an engineer and just using it as code.

I just received a memo with all the gumption of a mission statement ala Jerry Maguire. It said in short:

"Our school focuses on 'mechanical and electrical engineers.' Never have any of our students went on to do graduate work in 'civil engineering'. 'Civil engineering' is a small area of 'engineering' and as such we are right to focus most of our students on 'mechanical and electrical engineering'. Our students could never make it as 'civil engineers'. "

Now replace civil engineering with what I do and mechanical and electrical engineering with other areas of my field (which I admit make up a larger percentage of people in my field).

My question is: Manifesto writer (and head of the search committee when I was hired) why did you hire me? Why did you hire a 'civil engineer' if the direction this department is taking is to focus solely (with rare exception) on 'mechanical and electrical engineers.' If my area is so meaningless (to the students here and the direction this department is going), why did you hire me? Why did you tell me how diverse the faculty are here if most of them are really focused on 'mechanical and electrical engineering.' Why not hire another 'mechanical or electrical engineers' and have them teach 'civil engineering' on the side. Why did you tell me how excited you were to be hiring a civil engineer and how much you thought my research could involve the students into civil engineering?

I have never felt more under appreciated or undervalued and there is no doubt in my mind that this will not be the job I stay at.