I am in Cleveland

So, watching a stupid movie while I pack: View from the top

Donna: So, I've got one year in Cleveland and then I can reapply. Plus, I have already been here for like six weeks and it's not so bad, you know?
Ted: No, I mean that's like, well you are basically half-way there if you're just really, really, really bad at math.
Donna: So, why did you go back to law school?
Ted: Well, I had dinner with this incredible woman who charging after her dreams and not hiding out and I thought to myself, you know what, I could do that. So I am here now-for a year and it's flying by. Plus, I really miss my family which is really uncool so please don't tell anybody I told you.
Donna: Promise. Okay, here's how I look at it. Cleveland is like this really big waiting room so all we have to do is put in our year and someone is going to call our name.
Ted: Cleveland's like this great big dentist office and we are next on the list.
Donna: Exactly.

So I am in Cleveland. I need to be the woman charging after her dreams and some school will call my name. Also, dating Mark Ruffalo wouldn't be a bad way to kill a year.

Want to laugh

Check out the following blog/cartoon/website: http://xkcd.com/

It is cracking me up and it is where I found the following:

People that make me feel good....

So, I just got off the phone with two dear friends. Two men that I absolutely adore. The second is one of my favorite people in the world. I am so happy, I almost forget how little I laugh here. I am so sad, that I rarely laugh. It is nice to talk to a friend, a person who gets me and makes me laugh. We were supposed to be in the same city next weekend, but he can't make it. Which is probably a good idea because typically...us + booze = drunken making out.

Revising my teaching statement

So, in the very limited time that I have had today (Most of Monday is teaching, office hours, and today, meeting with 7 students so far), I have been working on revising my teaching statement. When I was in graduate school, PFKA made me feel as though I couldn't write at all. PFKA heavily edited everything I wrote. While this over-editing helped me improve grammar and stylistically, it took away from my voice. I was so afraid going out on the job market that no one would hire (or even interview me), I let him take a heavy hand to the style and voice of my teaching statement. Well, that time is over. I am a big girl. Today, I am re-writing my teaching statement in my voice, saying mostly the same things (my teaching philosophy isn't vastly different than it was 2 years ago), but in my own voice. I have a spin to it that I think I really like. It needs polish and cutting, clarity and flow, but it is on it's way--and I feel good about that.

My only regret of the day is that I didn't have more time to put into it. Talked to a friend who's teaching style is very respected (she gets off the charts good evals) and shes going to give it a read once its cleaner. Found two quotes I like (that I cannot use in my statement, so I share them here). The first:
"By learning you will teach, by teaching you will learn." - Latin Proverb

I would alter a bit to say: My teaching informs my research and my research informs my teaching. My main reason for not being at a R1 school, is that I wouldn't get tenure with the publication standards, but I also want to do both teaching and research. Here at TBU, I am limited in what research I can accomplish and so I am hoping this years job search will help me find a place where I can be the complete version of me (teacher and researcher).

The second quote:
If a doctor, lawyer, or dentist had 40 people in his office at one time, all of whom had different needs, and some of whom didn't want to be there and were causing trouble, and the doctor, lawyer, or dentist, without assistance, had to treat them all with professional excellence for nine months, then he might have some conception of the classroom teacher's job. ~Donald D. Quinn

Just too funny. And true.

PFKA is actually alive

Heard from PFKA. Responded to email (without doing what was asked). I am a bit frustrated the task I would like PFKA would literally take 5 minutes. It is a matter of attaching a file that PFKA has to me via email. The fact that PFKA has ignored this request for a month is maddening. The fact that a follow-up request was responded to with a "been very busy, hope to get to this request in next few weeks" response could make head explode off body. Finally, PFKAs institution (my alma mater) is hiring and PFKA is search committee chair which means that I will probably never hear from PFKA again. How does this fair for my job search status--not so good.

I am desperately trying to dig myself out of a hole. I had a partially sick, partially pity party two days last week where I accomplished nothing. I though it would allow me to start refreshed this week, but I only feel massively stressed and unmotivated.

Really?

“Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.”
-Demetri Martin

How can some people be so funny and so eloquent while I have students who today said, "I be having trouble remembering and stuff."

Somehow, I think this kid's memory is the least of his problems.

Quotes I am loving right now

My boys:
Maybe they say 110% because life isn't about perfect math. The effort you put into different parts of your life doesn't actually add up to 100%. It fluctuates as you focus on different parts, as you strike a balance which is why I am know going to try and give 453%.

Before you make these big life decisions, consult your soul in a cool quiet hour.

How I met your mother (After Lily and Marshall gets married--she keeps her name):
Lily: Oh.. Does it make you kind of sad that we don't share the same last name?
Marshall: You know, in a totally evolved 21st century kind of way, a little.
Lily: Oh.. you know what we should do? We should come up with a whole new last name.
Marshall: Oh that's easy. Lily and Marshall Skywalker.
Lily: Lily and Marshall Hasselhoff.
Marshall: I got it! You ready? You ready?
Lily: Yeah?
Marshall: Lily and Marshall Awesome. Have you met the Awesomes? Marshall, Lily, their son Totally and their daughter Freakin?(Both giggle)
Lily: I love you Mr Awesome.
Marshall: I love you Mrs Awesome.

Have they changed or have I?

At TBU, advanced class require students to write a introductory paper to kick of the class. I am commenting on students work so far in the course for my most advanced class, and I am struck by something. To write up the summaries, I am taking the summaries I wrote last year, and writing over them. What I seem to notice is that I had these very detailed comments to students about their work so far in the class and their introduction papers last year. This year, I find myself struggling to say anything. So, I ask myself, are my students less interesting this year or am I less interested this year. I find myself a bit scared if I am bored with my students already this year.

Dr. Abstentia strikes again

Another student approached me asking where Dr. Abstentia was--If I could get back all of the time I spent dealing with other people's messes--I'd be a bit more productive.

Monday blues

• Mondays are a long teaching day for me--close to 5 hours of lecture, plus some meetings...
• I am already behind in grading etc and last week got behind in research, the stress is building so I am blogging
• I had to take a blog break--I noticed I posted way to much on Monday. This blog is supposed to help me vent, help me 'talk' about things so I can move past them, etc--not to take up so much time that I create more problems for myself.
• Ah, Mountain Man, you made such a good impression on me. I blogged about how you made me take pause (in a good way) with your witty and almost poetic writing before the semester starts. Why have you failed to turn in two assignments? You went from changing my mind about students and their abilities/efforts to confirming my not-so-great-opinions of you in a matter of 3 weeks. Congrats!
• Spending time with Dr. Maya Alcott--She is also pre-tenure, a few years older than I am. She spends a lot of time hanging out with faculty and promises to invite me to their lunch table in the caf'. I am hoping to be more social this year.
• PFKA is still driving me insane in the membrane. I responded to PFKA's email asking for some work that PFKA had done to be attached to me--still haven't received it. I know this person is busy, but wouldn't wrapping up these projects with me be a good thing to have off the growing to-do list.
• In a few weeks, I head to see bestfriend (who needs pseudonym). This is a very good thing.

Reading a new blog....

Been reading New Kid on the Hallway. I am just loving reading others' blogs. Its so comforting. It makes me feel less alone. My family and friends are all non-academic and they just don't get it. Anyway, watching reruns of one of my favorite shows getting ready for the new season to start. Reading this new blog, I came across this explanation on New Kids blog:

"The truly pathetic thing about feeling overwhelmed by today is that it's probably a pretty average day for someone in an actual 9-to-5 job."

I taught for about 5 hours today, had about 4 hours worth of emails and other bureaucratic nonsense, and I hit the gym for 30 minutes. When I got home, I knit a bit, and tried to do some household chores....not the busiest day in the world, but I am so so so so tired. I am hoping that I gain a little endurance and stamina as the semester progresses.

The movie Joe Dirt is so funny to me.

Kicking Wing: They won't just hand the records over to us. We're just an Indian and some guy.
Joe Dirt: Nuh uh man. You can't have 'no' in your heart. No is not an option, brother. You're not just an Indian, you're 'Kickin' Wing', alright, and one day you are going to be 'Kickin' Wing, Animal Doctor.' Then you should change your name to 'Kickin' Ass.' I would.

I love this movie. I know its stupid. I just think in all its stupidity, it's mildly inspring.

No is not an option.
You can't have no in your heart.

Also, I am so tired that I think I have a fatigue disorder. I can barely accomplish my nighttime tasks (take out trash, dishes, etc.). Almost too tired to knit ( but i am trying).

Qualifiers....

I belong to one of those online thingy (e.g., facebook, bebo, friendster, myspace...). I found this little gem there. Here it is for those who want to know more about me:

Either/or:
1. Lose a lover, or love a loser? love a loser...I have certainly liked a whole bunch, if not loved, a loser and it way beats losing a lover. At least if you are loving a loser you are out there loving.

2. Smoke pot, or drink beer? drink bee--and after the day I had, I intend to.

3. Run two miles straight, or walk eight miles? I'm in bad enough running-shape that I don't think I could run two miles straight. I could swim two miles without stopping (been beefing up my swimming lately), but I couldn't run two miles. So I pick walk eight. But kudos to me, I am heading to the gym after I decompress from lecture. Also, running is bad for your joints....

4. Go to the beach, or have a milkshake? This is too ridiculous. Depends on the beach and the milkshake, I guess.

5. Laugh when nobody else is, or not laugh when everyone else is? Not laugh when everyone else is. I can cover that with some fake laughter, no way out of laughing when everyone is quiet.

6. Drink ten cans of soda at once, or never drink soda again? Drinking 10 sodas at once might make me vomit, but I cannot give up my caffeine fix. That having been said, maybe that's the way to break my caffeine habit....drink until vomit.

7. Have your pants ripped, or get thrown in a trash can? Ripped I guess.

8. Kiss someone you don’t like or, kiss someone who doesn’t like you? Do I know that they don't like me? If so, kiss someone who doesn't like me. If I think they do like me and they don't, then kiss someone I don't like instead.

9. Not take a bath for a week or, take a bath in a lake? bathe in a lake, river, stream, who cares...

10. Be an only child, or have five brothers? have 5 brothers. All I have is kid sister (KS). Always wanted a brother or five.

11. Cry in front of 5,000 strangers, or cry in front of your whole school? cry in front of strangers

12. Be able to rewind time or, see the future? If I go back in time, can I change things or do I have to live them all over. Memory is really how we 'rewind time in a way to not get to do things over again. So if I rewind and make no changes, it is like having a really detailed memory. I would prefer that over seeing the future, but I would prefer even more to go back in time and do some things differently.

14. Die the day after the best day of your life, or live to be ninety? Depends on how old I will be when I have the best day of my life. I don't think I have had it yet (I hope not anyway). So what if the best day (My 6 grandchild is born; I learn the world is free of AIDS, Cancer, violence, etc.; I win the Nobel peace prize; my friends and family all experience wonderful things, etc.) happens when I am 80. That makes for a much different answer than if my best day is tomorrow. If you have ready any past posts, you instantly realize that it would be impossible for my best day to be tomorrow. Also, depends on the quality of life I would have in those 90 years.

15. Go skydiving or, go scuba diving? Haven't done either. Want to do both. Probably want to scuba more. I love the water.

16. Be loved by one person, or have ten people who like you? Always loved. Love by one person is worth far more to me than general acceptance or liking by 10 others.

17. Be fat and pretty or skinny and ugly? I feel now that although I am not fat, I am a bit heavier than I can be to call myself skinny. Also if I am being honest. I am pretty (or at least not ugly). I have great skin, nice teeth, pretty and striking eyes, and no weird facial oddities. If it took getting an 'uglified' face to lose weight, I wouldn't. Lucky me, it just takes watching what I eat and getting my butt to the gym.


So that is me in 17 random either/ors. I am not so good with the either/ors I tend to have lots of qualifiers. I guess that also tells you something about me.

Drowning in a sea of red tape

So, one reason I like academia is I (perhaps, foolishly) thought I would experience less red-tape and bureaucratic nonsense in this world than in the 'real world.' [I love the insinuation that I don't work/live in real world--see RYS for eloquent rants about this issue]. Yet I spent the bulk of my morning adjusting my schedule to conform to University guidelines about how I spend my time in my office and how available I make myself to the students. The rest of my morning (when I wasn't in class) was spent emailing a student who despite our multiple meetings, agreed upon schedule, and tens of emails has proceeded to not make the necessary schedule changes to her schedule. Thus ensuring paperwork nightmares for me. Meanwhile, while in my office hours (expect one students that I asked to come by my office and one of my research assistants), the only visitors I got were the following:

[Open scene]

A professor is busily typing away at a key board. Surrounding her are files of various documents. Occasionally, she stops typing and looks curiously through the packet of papers. It is as if she is trying to figure out what tell a student who has messed up her schedule and refused (despite multiple meetings and emails) to fix it as instructed. A familiar face bounds in the office. Character is wearing a 'Hooters: Delightfully tacky, yet unrefined' t-shirt with no sense of the irony that Hooters gear is neither delightful or appropriate to wear around professors. The student bounds in...

Hooters: What's up?

Professor [trying, hopefully successfully, to hide both her disdain for the interruption and shirt, as well as her confusion as to who this familiar face actually is]: Just working, How are you? [Hoping the answer will provide details to the identity of this familiar face].

Hooters: I was wondering if I could use your printer.

Professor: For what exactly? [Still unsure of identity of Hooters]

Hooters: An statistics assignment that is due. My printer broke. If now is not a good time, I can come back.

[Character note: The professor does not teach statistics.]

Professor [With a strained expression]: You do know that there is a computer lab at the end of the hallway.

Hooters: No, I didn't.

Professor: Well, you need to use that lab, because I am in the middle of something that I needs to get done, so I cannot print out your assignment.

Hooters: Okay, thanks [Bounds out of office].

End scene.

As Hooters left my office, I realized how I knew her. She was the crappy, no-good, left me stranded, had-to-have-meetings-with-her-advisor, didn't hold up her end of the bargain Graduate Assistant I had last Fall. They are required to do 10 hours a week to stay eligible for their stipends. She was falling behind and wasn't completing anything I asked of her. She came to me begging for more work to make up the time lost. I gave her a project that I desperately needed done and it would have given her enough hours. It was perfect--she could do it at home (she has a tough schedule, poor baby) , the time commitment was pretty subjective (so she could fudge a bit on how hard she worked, and it was easy (perhaps a bit boring, but easy). I kept emailing her to ask for updates and to send me what she had accomplished. Finally at the end of the semester, I received all of the materials back. She had accomplished exactly 0% of the project. I was left high and dry (and screwed quite frankly). Did she have to return her stipend, make up those hours, or face any consequence from her department---nope.

Now she wants to borrow my printer and take my time away. Really?

The second visitor I got was a student looking for Dr. Frank Abstentia. This professor (who I have yet to blog about) is perpetually absent (hence his name). Much work of the department is done in his absence. He is wasted space (both literally, in that he has lots of claim to space in building, and figuratively). This student wanted to know where Dr. Abstentia was--like I know, like I care. So to Student Tight Pants, I say: Sorry your advisor sucks.

So to make a long story actually end--why do I need to be more available and more in my office? The students who need to see me, don't. And the time-suckers of the world always drop by. Not to mention that my being here mandates I deal with other people's messes.

Repeat working mantra.

Has anyone coined the phrase, blog-therapy---or perhaps blogapy. Because I always feel like I can let go of an issue once I have written about it here. [Perhaps, since I have been blogging for only a month, always is a misleading term. But you get the idea]

P.P.S. The student who I spent the morning is now on her way here to suck all of the remaining time out of my life.

Honesty and Mocking

Part of me feels bad for Miss South Carolina. She was nervous and caught off guard and flubbed something she had been working hard to get. I was lucky, the messups, mistakes, and flubs of my youth weren't subject to the constant youtube-focused scrutiny that things are today. Young people have it hard. There is no room for error when everything can be instantly posted for the world to see. That having been said, check out the hysterical parody below. That combines a new favorite song of mine, Hey There Delilah with Miss South Carolina's verbal disaster.
Enjoy your Monday morning:

Random Nighttime Thoughts

• I have got to get to bed soon. My first class begins early in the AM.
• Monday's are always a full day--lots of teaching, lots of meetings.
• Watched True Hollywood Story about teachers who sleep with students. Weird, at the end, they were discussing what society needed to do to reduce this problem. One guy was saying colleges and universities need to do more to train education majors about what is or is not appropriate. Really? Are you freakn kidding me? Teachers don't sleep with their 13 or 14 year old students becuase it never occured to them that this was inapporpriate. What a moron. That comment was followed by a much more reasonable suggestion to train teachers on how to recognize the signs of abuse in students and fellow teachers behavior. But, yikes, the world is a weird place.
• Feeling a bit stressed about having to see everyone again after the drama.
• I have got to have a productive week--need to get on top of some research stuffs.
• Really hope I have the motivation to hit the gym after my full day.
• I am behind on my knitting. I scheduled myself to work on a project a bit everyday --or it wont be completed in time to give it its intended recipient and I bet I havent worked on it in 3 weeks.
• Tomrorrow some of my favorite shows are on--which is exciting (If you dont have a social life, favorite tv shows become exciting).

Spending the weekend in my office

I desperately need to get ahead of the game before my classes start. I am aiming (all month long) to start Monday morning prepared for the week's classes. So I am in my office all weekend. I hope that this weekend sacrafice will pave the way for a more productive week.
Also, I have a gym membership and it's high time I used it. So, lots of goals this week.
This is really just a blog so that I procrastinate. Blech.

Debriefing the meeting

So, the rambler and I met a few days ago. I figured that we were going to discuss this. I was expecting to hear a major mea culpa or mea maxima culpa. Something along the lines of "I was out of line," "I shouldn't have talked to you like that" Anything that indicates he accepts responsibility for his behavior and indicates he recognizes how inappropriate it was for him to talk to me that way.

Instead he insists on talking about what things precipitated him writing his mission statement. He wanted to talk about things he disagreed with from over a year ago and where he thought the department should go. Really? You yell at me in front of my boss, my bosses boss, and all of my colleagues and then when you ask to meet with me it's to discuss your views on the department of the future.

He gave (after over an hour of my sitting and listening to him wax philosophical about the future) a nod to 'his overreaction.' He said that as he is the more senior faculty member he should have better controlled the situation.

It was so freak'n weird. First, no human in their right mind would characterize it as an 'overreaction.' Half of the department (including my chair) wanted to have sit down conversations with me about it. A freak out, a hissy fit, an explosion of childhood temper tantrum--any of those are a more accurate description of what happened.

Second, if he convinced me to skip a faculty meeting with him and we got caught and in trouble for skipping the meeting, than it might make sense for him to claim responsibility--as the more senior faculty member he should have known better. Instead, he screamed at me and insulted me. OF COURSE IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBIILTY...you were the one yelling at me. We saw an issue differently and you got personal and verbally attacked me.

I can't believe I didn't even get an apology.