ProfGirl's amazing idea

So, profGirl is one of the blogs that I read regularly...In a blog from a few days ago, she discuss her avoidance of making New Year's resolutions. Instead of resolutions that don't last (and they never do), she picks a theme. I fell in love with this idea instantly. As she describes it, the theme is "sort of like a mantra...a focal point for what I hope to achieve and how I want to live my life." [Side note: I hope it is okay to be quoting her here....go read her blog, she's awesome]. What an amazing idea, a guiding theme around which you focus your life--making decisions and engaging in behaviors that guide you to where you want to be and the person you want to become.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what I want, what I have, and the vast discrepancy between the two. Being on the job market (read: and fearful that my vitae is not going to get me the job I want), has opened my eyes to the professional changes I would like to make. The massive amount of free time I have here have opened my eyes to the personal changes I would like to make. I hope, hope, hope, hope, hope that this year marks a huge change for me--I would love to spend the Spring semester at TBU, the Fall semester at some new, more promising job.

So, inspired by her blog, I am going to come up with a theme. According to profgirl, "I don't choose themes on the spot, but rather tend to realize that I'm already working toward them. They represent whatever has become important to me, and the choice to more consciously follow that path."

So, potential themes for me for the year 2008.

1. ProfGirl's current theme is completion (inspired in part by completing old manuscripts). My life (and my pile of unfinished manuscripts) could benefit from completion. I have a pile of manuscripts (and a weak looking vitae)--this will become increasingly more crucial if I do not get a job this year. I have had considerable fear of sending out manuscripts and I strongly feel that if I don't send some out soon, I will never send them out, never get a better job, die miserably alone and sad. [I might be exaggerating, but I need to make some improvement here] Further, I have several 'around the house' tasks that need completion. Finally, similar to ProfGirl, I need my life to be more complete. I am not sure what she meant by this, but for me, I need a more fulfilled life. I am afraid that I cannot get a more full life in tiny town, but I need to try. Of course getting a new job would dramatically help here, but I have done all I can do--just a waiting game now.

2. Possible theme: health. For me, this would encompass both physical and mental health. For physical health, I would include eating better (more veggies, less junk, more tofu, less meat, etc.), working out more (I feel about 50 pounds overweight, I am winded when I shouldn't be, I need to be more active and heart-healthy), I would also like to be more flexible. I think being more physically healthy and active would make me happy. Mental health, this is a toughy-I am pretty miserable at TBU. I cry. A lot. More than I should. I am finding less enjoyment in things that I used to like. I pull away from friends and family. I am less productive at work. I don't sleep well. I overeat. I am discouraged about who I am and where I am going. I am concerned about what would happen to my mental health if I do not get a job offer. I guess I am feeling somewhat optimistic (I typed would happen not will happen) about one of my job applications panning out. The thought of another year here is unbearable. If I end up staying here, I think I will need to see a therapist-something I almost did last year, but avoided doing. So physical and mental health would be a good guiding theme.

3. Positivity. I guess this would be related to mental health, but this would be a bit distinct. I feel like I need to be more positive, less focused on the negative, more focused on the glass half full. I complain too much. I dwell. I should find more gratefulness in my life.

4. Unnamed. I have been avoiding doing things, letting dishes pile up in the sink, avoiding laundry. I think it is part a depression issue--it makes me feel blah and avoid work. I avoid school work and sending unpleasant emails. I have been too ostrichy and too lazy....can I call this potential theme No lazy ostrich behavior?

Well, I too am going to think about this...I feel like it will come down to option 1 and 2....oddly both hinge so much on whether I get a job and leave this place.....

See, that's summing up in a weird way

• Too tired for a coherent, well organized blog, so its RBOC time.
• Quote I am enjoying now: "Love is right around the corner, waiting to mug me" -- I hate my 30's (a, I believe, now cancelled show on vh1). Don't think that needs much of an explanation.
• Phrase I love: "call a spade, a spade"
• Well, I applied to NDJ, nearly dream job, and this weekend got the letter from them indicating that they got my materials. I had been hoping for a timeline expressed in the letter (i.e., doing phone interview first week in Jan, on campus interviews late Jan, etc.), but no such luck. I almost had a heart attack opening that letter.
• School countdown is in place. I only have a few more classes to teach, a countable number of meeting times--then I can kiss these kids adieu. My advanced students are doing presentations and turning in final project, so the grading begins anew tomorrow.
• My final exams are written. Kudos to me for getting that done so early.
• I am leaving town in about 2 weeks, excited to be returning to hometown city. I have plans to see friends.
• I received a manuscript to review. I have been avoiding it because I fear the authors scooped me. From my initial look at it, my project is a better designed version, but it is so scary. I need to write more, I need to submit articles for publication. I have let another semester go by where I just collect data and haven't attempted to publish. So disappointed with myself.

Random Nighttime Thoughts

• It has almost been a month since my last post. I have had a lot to say, but been so busy and so scared and stressed to blog.
• Update: Mountain Man turned in latest major assignment days late--I am still grading the classes work, but his looks sub par. Of course, Mountain Man has decided he wants to take an advanced course (based on the current course) with me next semester. It is like he is a plant trying to drive me crazy. Also in the class has Snotty McKnowItAll in it. Snotty has told me to my face that she "doesn't get much out of going to class" and can "learn the material better on her own". She has failed to turn in major assignment 2. It is getting so late that technically it is worth 0 (or negative, can I give negative points?). If I am feeling nice, I might still accept it, but she has really screwed herself.
• My office computer crashed. The IT department has it. It is really cramping my style.
• I applied to a few schools--maybe 7-8. Of those, I could be excited about 3-4. One is very exciting--I will call it Nearly Dream Job, NDJ. NDJ is near hometown city, near friends and family, larger than TBU, more research focused, and near a major city. I know friends that have worked there and loved it, the facilities are gorgeous. PFKA told me he spoke with someone there about the job and he said the job could be perfect for me. I am not sure what it means that he 'talked to someone about the job'--I don't know if he was laying the ground for my application or just generally asking about the job.
• The rambler gave a colloquium--it was sooo boring, methodologically unsound and ironic. I cannot get into details, but it would be the equivalent of the Enron guys giving a lecture on Ethics, Exxon talking about environmental issues, Britney lecturing others on parenting. It is part of the "forced fun series" our department has initiated. So now we must 'get to know each other'
• I have a lot more on my mind, but it is getting late and I need to go to bed. I have been pretty sick over the past few days and needs lots more rest.

I have so much on my mind

What do I want to blog about first?

I guess what I am most angry about should go first. I read some blogs frequently, but I am religious about my reading of Rate Your Students. I am climbing an uphill battle with some students and I feel better when I realize I am not alone and that I don't have it as bad as others. That having been said, a recent post has me pretty pissed. This post argues that Junior faculty should just suck it up and be happy where they are and not do their respective schools a disservice by looking for and taking a better job. WTF? Really? That is the most ridiculous statement I have ever heard.

What about fit? When I was on the job market, I couldn't have a conversation with a faculty member or administrator that didn't mention 'fit.' It is arrogant and self-focused to assume that a person could choose a job that is a perfect 'fit' for them after a brief interview (some of mine were less than one full day, all were less than two full days). It is not just the interviewee on his or her best behavior. The faculty strategically pick who should interact with the interviewee, putting their best, brightest, or perhaps least orny faculty members into the limelight. And the students we meet on interviews are always top 5% students, the best, the brightest, the most involved and not necessarily the most representative. Labs are cleaned, offices are straightened, and everyone is polite. Then you arrive on the job and within a year experience this, this, this, and of course my melrose place drama, summed up here. What I bought when I took this job is not what was advertised. I should get the opportunity to evaluate the 'fit' from my end. Hell, I am evaluated by every student that shows up to the day I pass out evaluations in every course. My chair and dean pour over these evals scrutinizing every word to decide how good of a teacher I am overall. That means the worst of my students get equal voice to my most respectful students. Just this week alone, I had a student call me a stupid B!T@H. This student gets an equal voice in evaluations that my chair takes to heart. Further, I am observed in roughly 10 hours of teaching time each semester. Finally, I am on a one year renewable contract. You guys here at TBU evaluate me and decide if I get to keep my job every year. The administration meets with every member of my department individually to discuss my (mainly) pros and (very few, thankfully) cons. So you are doing plenty of evaluation about me--Why don't I get to evaluate you? Why don't I get to make the decision each year if I stay--you get to voice your decision each year about if you want to keep me?

I left hometown city to take this job. I left every friend I have (almost all are within 4 hours of hometown city), I left a thriving social life where I actually got to date and enjoy the company of men, I left my family. I started over new somewhere alone. I think sometimes people forget how hard that is to do when you are alone. I didn't have a husband to help unpack and I spend each Friday and Saturday night alone. TBU is located in the tinniest town in the world (that, of course, is an exaggeration). But it is not an exaggeration to say that I can count on one hand the number of single men in this town (not counting students, because that is against the rules, and because YUCK). I have less than 3 friends in town. You would think with such a small, safe, quiet little town, everyone would have been knocking on my door bringing me vegetables from their garden or pie. How many people have came by to say hello to me in the years I have lived here. Zero. Not one. Not a single neighbor. You get the feeling that it is high school all over again (not high school for me, which I enjoyed because of the dear friends I left to come here--more like high school stereotypes with the cliques and unfriendliness and loneliness--lifetime movie high school). Everyone has friends and there is no need to let the new kids in town play in your sand box. So I have no friends here and no chance at any dating or social life.

So the person who wrote the post in question at RYS said this:

" [I] let loose on some selfishness I saw among a group of junior faculty who were spending a good deal of time congratulating one another on working in tenure track jobs while slaving like mules to get better jobs in more attractive situations - close to Mommy, warmer weather, a place where their own peculiar preciousness will be admired by all."

Kiss my ass! There. You want to 'let loose' on someone like me--go for it, because I have been pushed around enough. Now I get to let loose. If I want to be closer to my family, Ill do it. When my dad went to the hospital last week because he collapsed at work and people thought he was having a heart attack--I was over 25 hours away. There was nothing that I could do. I couldn't help my mom, and I couldn't be there--It was like I wasn't even part of the family. How dare you criticize someone for wanting to support and be close to those they love. My parents are partially responsible for my getting through graduate school and in my family we take care of each other. It is what we do.

I don't want my 'peculiar preciousness to be admired by all', but some fricken' courtesy would be nice. Don't scream at me in front of my department (happened this semester) and don't call me a stupid B!XCH (a student on Monday).

Most 'non-junior' faculty I know are not at the first position they took. How quickly they forget. They went back out on the job market and found a job that worked for them--but I am supposed to stay in a place that I am unhappy both personally and professionally. I am a lot of things, but I am not a masochist and I am not that weak.

Mountain man disappoints again

So, mountain man, you continue to disappoint. After a particularly sucky performance on your first major paper (no understanding of style (despite the multiple lectures and book devoted to this topic that you were assigned to read), grammatically poor writing, unclear, failure to do the necessary components of the paper (that were neatly summarized in a handout for you), you set out to work on the final paper for the semester. I instructed all of the students, you included, to choose a topic that was related to course material (my area of expertise). You have decided to ignore this request despite my warnings that I could not do you as much good as a guide to this paper if I am unfamiliar with the area. To be fair, I cast a very wide net of things that were considered 'my area'.

Mountain man, why do you come to my office with questions ("How can I narrow this down?, Can I discuss this aspect of X component?, Is this a good hypothesis?)--This is an entirely novel area of study for me. After advising as best I could, why do you fail to take my suggestions.

I explain to you that you need to begin reading the articles that you have and you say you are going to find 20 more sources.

I explain that you should outline and summarize what you read as you go, and you insist you read all of the articles and then sit down to write the paper.

I explain that it is difficult to have a hypothesis for this paper if you haven't first read the literature that is out there, you insist as soon as you have figured out your hypothesis, you will sit down and work on literature review.

Are you trying to make my head explode. Just when I thought I had it bad, I found this post on RYS. Enjoy--it sure made me feel better about my difficult students.

Where have I been?

Been busy. Will write more later.

I havent blogged too much about my knitting, but I will soon.

Also, added myself to RAVELRY today...so far I am 47, 314th on the list. I heard once before that they are invting 500-600 people a day...so maybe I will hear from them within 94 days! Sheesh!
One cool thing is that becuase this is new and still in the testing invite stage, I feel kinda cool for getting in early.

Things I will blog about in no particular order:
1. The disappointments of Mountain Man
2. Momma's visit last weekend.
3. The Rambler's latest
4. Job jitters stuff

Dr. Awesome

Update: I cannot read. I am number 47,314 on the list, but there are only 13914 people in line ahead of me. According to their blog a few weeks ago, Oct 1-8, they sent out 4650 invites. So this should mean that I get an invite in about 3 weeks (if they continue at that speed) and a few more weeks maybe 4-6 if they have a few slower weeks. Contrary to the, 94 days (13.5 weeks) I projected earlier.

It is so hot in my office

I am hiding out in my lab space. My lab space here at TBU, is pretty limited---and they have me jumping through so many hoops I haven't had time to unpack the piles of crappily organized research that sit around me organize it the way I would like.

This is one of the few parts of our shabby building that has ac, so here I am. I have a meeting at 6. So I hope to leave campus by 7pm--in and of itself, is pretty crappy because I got here this morning not much after 7.

So, while I am here (after this brief decompression), I will work on teaching statement, research statement, vita, cover letters. I have a few job ads that I want to get out last week ASAP. I am not particularly excited about any of them. They are only exciting in that they are not here. Damn Close to Dream School's (from here on out, DCDM) deadline is late Nov. But at least getting these ads out will force me to be ready for later, greater ads.

On a plus note, after an ass-kickingly hard day, I am ready for rest of week. I have to give Midterm exams Wed and Thurs. Exams are ready--secretary will be copying them tomorrow. Lectures ready (have a lot to cover before exam, so will the students in the back row stop flirting and start listening).

On a super-plus note, my mom is coming to town this weekend. I cannot wait to have her here. Even if it means monster cleaning my place.